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Old 01-02-2010, 12:59 AM   #1
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do me a favor...

Once again, I'm asking the forum for a favor. Not sure how many of you are readers but I'd like to take a tiny bit of your time and ask you to read the first two pages of my current work

BitS « chguise

All I want to know is if the first scene would capture your interest enough to continue reading.

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Old 01-02-2010, 01:09 AM   #2
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Now you want us to "read"?

Glad to Ma'am. Stand by 1.

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Old 01-02-2010, 01:27 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiny terror View Post
All I want to know is if the first scene would capture your interest enough to continue reading.
Yes.

This part throws me a bit though...

"I didn’t really want die."

Intended or a small typo?
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Old 01-02-2010, 01:47 AM   #4
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I missed a "to". I've read it a thousand times, so it's hard to see the little errors, thanks I'll edit it.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:45 AM   #5
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Count me in on purchasing a copy once it's printed...I don't read much anymore, but I'll pick up a book every now and then and I've always been one where once I start reading something good, I won't stop until I either fall asleep or finish the book...but if it's not good, I get bored in the first few pages and put it away. I wanted to keep reading when I got to the end of yours.

Although I will admit that the last book I read was, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max...hope that doesn't make my opinion any less credible. lol
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Old 01-02-2010, 06:43 AM   #6
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Count me in on buying a copy.
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Old 01-02-2010, 08:13 AM   #7
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The reality of the mental anguish of war is a touchy subject.Most people would rather leave that stone unturned.Entering the military,one is driven by the patriotic duty and hoo-ray that accompanies.Upon returning from actual war,a few men will either drink themselves to death,or just end the suffering quickly.Civilian awareness is slowly becoming accepted,and more things are open to the soldiers as far as mental health is concerned.To be honest,the government still doesn't give two shits for rotating the boys back into society the right way,don't think the manual for that one really exist yet.Any kind of reality check novels like yours,is a positive direction for public awareness.Run with it,I'll read it.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:01 AM   #8
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Sounds like a great movie trailer, Marlowe-esque...I like it!
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:53 AM   #9
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incredibly captivating first scene. like i have said before, i am not an avid reader, it takes a lot for a book to capture my attention and for me to want to read more, not to mention read it until the end. this is that kind of book for me. i want to read more. let me know as soon as it is in print!!
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:58 AM   #10
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I'm in.

Nice work Chris.
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:01 AM   #11
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I read quite a bit or at least I used to when I had the elusive spare time. If a book does not capture my attention or peak my curiousity in the first few paragraphs, I am done. It only takes me a few moments in the bookstore to determine if something is worthy of my money and time. That being said, I WOULD purchase this book. You have left me wanting to know where this is going and how it will be played out. You definately have talent.
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:02 AM   #12
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I liked it and would absolutely continue reading. Very intense right from the beginning.

A few things I noticed:

- I believe you meant "teeming" instead of "teaming"

- The use of the term "clip" instead of "magazine" may rub some nitpicky gun enthusiasts the wrong way: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magazine_(firearms)
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:41 AM   #13
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What happens next I gots to know
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:42 AM   #14
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Thanks guys. I've been back and forth between placing this scene first or not. The second man, and Distorted already knows this, is not in "reality". His struggle is more ethereal (leaning toward horror/thriller).

I didn't know if this scene was powerful enough to grab or more suited to layout the struggle Jacobs is going through. It's got to "hook" because like JD said, book's got grab right away or the reader puts it down (though I'll admit, I'm one of those who picks it out by the cover and the synopsis on the back.)

And thanks much DJ, I'd missed that mistake.
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:46 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ks90yj View Post
What happens next I gots to know
The next scene is a flashback to DeHaven's childhood before he wakes up in the train station. The book jumps back and forth between Jacobs dealing with the trauma and nightmares, and DeHaven who's dead and trying to get home.
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:48 AM   #16
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I'm on board! Let us know when you get some copies out there!
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:53 AM   #17
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Very good start. It held my attention from the first sentence it seemed. Heck I even put my work phone into unavailable so I could finish reading.
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Old 01-02-2010, 12:06 PM   #18
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Not being nitpicky, but use the term "rounds" instead of "bullets". It's a military thing your character wouldn't miss.

I'm digging it. Like everyone else has already said, it grabs you from the first sentence and keeps you hooked. I'd definitely buy it!!
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Americans sleep safely in their beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do them harm...

Happiness is a Barrett M82A1 .50 caliber and a target at least a click out........

I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you with tears in my eyes, if you f**k with me, I'll kill you all.....
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Old 01-02-2010, 12:12 PM   #19
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I hate to admit this on a public forum lest you all think me nerdy..........I collect first edition hardcovers. So, Tiny, WHEN this manuscript gets published, I want to buy one of your first editions.
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Americans sleep safely in their beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do them harm...

Happiness is a Barrett M82A1 .50 caliber and a target at least a click out........

I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you with tears in my eyes, if you f**k with me, I'll kill you all.....
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Old 01-02-2010, 12:19 PM   #20
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I'm working on it.

Distorted, Actively Dying, and Cain have been reading it as I go to help (especially with the terminology). But, Distorted, I've changed a lot and I'm not sure if you've even gotten to the Vietnam scene or the Tomb of the Unknowns. I have the end written, though it's not set in stone, and I plan (new year's plan) to have it fully written within the next two months. I'm almost 50k in.
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Old 01-02-2010, 12:37 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiny terror View Post
All I want to know is if the first scene would capture your interest enough to continue reading.
Yes.

Quote:
Hell, I did have a gun. Full clip, plenty of bullets to go around.
Mag
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:12 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skeeter View Post
Yes.


Mag
clip-a-zine?
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:54 PM   #23
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definitely very good. count me in for a copy when you take it public
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Old 01-02-2010, 03:17 PM   #24
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Good work! Left me wanting more for sure!
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Old 01-02-2010, 04:57 PM   #25
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I see said the blind man.Sounds very intriguing.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:03 PM   #26
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Hey Tiny! Just been sitting back a few weeks not being very cordial.
I like what I was able to read so far. Good stuff.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:15 PM   #27
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i will buy a copy when you get it done
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oh and when i find the guy who invented torx screws i have a big can of wup-ass for him
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Old 01-03-2010, 12:37 AM   #28
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But, Distorted, I've changed a lot and I'm not sure if you've even gotten to the Vietnam scene or the Tomb of the Unknowns.
Is it accessible from the link and password you sent me in the past?
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Old 01-03-2010, 01:12 AM   #29
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I think Vietnam was in that excerpt but the post ended at Bastogne, I just looked.
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Old 01-03-2010, 01:20 AM   #30
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Well I can't find the link a pass you sent me now anyhow.

I know the password...got a link for the rest?

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