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Old 04-28-2010, 12:42 PM   #1
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Don't ever decide to see what a tazer feels like, guys.

I got this in an email from a friend and it is funny as hell. You guys will roll out on this one. You girls will probably shake your ducked heads and our idiocy. But I had to pass this one on. After four reads, I still can't make it through without having to wipe away the tears.




ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip#$%@,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. . . . . .

HOLY MOLEY . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

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Old 04-28-2010, 12:44 PM   #2
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Old 04-28-2010, 12:48 PM   #3
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Funny every time.
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Old 04-28-2010, 12:59 PM   #4
that's what she said

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that was absolutely hilarious! i completely lost it when i read, " Apparently I pooped myself"
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Old 04-28-2010, 01:17 PM   #5
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This is hilarious. I think I pooped myself reading it!
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Old 04-28-2010, 01:30 PM   #6
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great read!
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Old 04-28-2010, 01:32 PM   #7
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Nice!
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:02 PM   #8
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ahaha

that story is no lie. back in highschool a friend and i had the displeasure of playing with one of these things. i shot him first and i thought he was faking it. so he shot me. i'm not the biggest guy, about 5'11 200 pounds, and it knocked me on my a**! my stomach where he got me was on fire, it felt like i sprinted 5 miles, and i couldn't get up for like 5 minutes.

oh i miss those highschool days lol!
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:12 PM   #9
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I plan on getting tased this summer. Don't really want to do it, but I'm curious. Don't worry, the video camera will be rolling...
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:24 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatherBNmexico View Post

I plan on getting tased this summer. Don't really want to do it, but I'm curious. Don't worry, the video camera will be rolling...
pics and video or it didn't happen
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:45 PM   #11
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I have seen this story before and it is just as funny reading it again...
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Old 04-28-2010, 03:01 PM   #12
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I've been tased before, my neighbor got one out of an outdoor recreation catalog. Same thing with the two AA's or AAA's... It wasn't near as bad as he described it though...
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Old 04-28-2010, 03:12 PM   #13
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holy shiesse my boss thought I was nuts I was laughing so hard...I need one of these things...
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Old 04-28-2010, 03:50 PM   #14
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Has anybody played that game, I think called Lightning Reaction, and the loser gets an electric shock? Lot's of fun until you lose. Not a real bad shock, kind of like a finger in a light socket shock. It's more nerve racking then painful, unless you keep losing like I did.
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Old 04-28-2010, 04:12 PM   #15
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Tazers...well..yeah...they hurt.
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Old 04-28-2010, 04:47 PM   #16
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Not quite the same but a buddy of mine put on a dog shock collar to see how bad it hurt....He vowed to never use it on his dog again!
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Old 04-28-2010, 04:55 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by renegadewarrior View Post
Not quite the same but a buddy of mine put on a dog shock collar to see how bad it hurt....He vowed to never use it on his dog again!
GOOD
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Old 04-28-2010, 05:21 PM   #18
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Has anybody played that game, I think called Lightning Reaction, and the loser gets an electric shock? Lot's of fun until you lose. Not a real bad shock, kind of like a finger in a light socket shock. It's more nerve racking then painful, unless you keep losing like I did.
yeah I saw it, everyone has their finger in it and it randomly shocks someone
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Old 04-28-2010, 05:51 PM   #19
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I got this yesterday. Everytime someone new read it I laughed because I knew where they were. This morning I read it to my wife. She lost it. I was losing it. The second half went slowly due to laughter and to poor vision due to excessive tear duct activity. I had always wondered, would never do ti. But this is so well written. You know it's coming. But, WOW!
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Old 04-29-2010, 07:58 AM   #20
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That is awesome. I am laughing so hard I can't see to type. The people at work think I have finally gone insane.
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Old 04-29-2010, 08:14 AM   #21
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I got tazed when I was issued a taser when I was a cop. Was as much fun as I expected. Getting shot was less painful, but the taser recovery was quicker by weeks.
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Old 04-29-2010, 09:16 AM   #22
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I had a buddy of mine in high school that tazed my right leg while I was driving. Needless to say 25 mph to 80 pretty quick.
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:04 PM   #23
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After the cutoff finger thread revival I remembered this one from the past.

Enjoy!
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:38 PM   #24
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I miss the joke thread
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:42 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatherBNarizona

I plan on getting tased this summer. Don't really want to do it, but I'm curious. Don't worry, the video camera will be rolling...
Me too. I've wanted to be hit for awhile.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:55 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatherBNarizona View Post

I plan on getting tased this summer. Don't really want to do it, but I'm curious. Don't worry, the video camera will be rolling...
A friend of mine was tasered in police academy and the way he described it, "It was like a bunch of midgets were standing around me whacking my knees with baseball bats!!!"

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Originally Posted by renegadewarrior View Post
Not quite the same but a buddy of mine put on a dog shock collar to see how bad it hurt....He vowed to never use it on his dog again!
My roommate did this when I bought an anti-bark collar for my dog...it had 3 settings. He told me to put it on low so being the nice roommate that I am (and having seen my dog's reaction when she barked at that setting--which was basically *woof* *CRASH* *BANG* *SLAM* *whine*) I put it on high and handed it to him. He held it up to his throat and went, "woof"...nothing happened..."WOOF"...still nothing... "WOOOOOOAUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and dropped to his knees in pain. lol

I've also owned a taser such as the one in the story and been hit with it numerous times...the story was obviously written by someone who'd never been hit with a standard little pocket taser. It'll jolt you pretty good...felt really good the one time I had it in my pocket and reached in for change and accidentally hit the trigger...lit my fingers up. But it's nothing like described...basically feels like being bit when doing home wiring and not checking for voltage for before grabbing that bare wire. Or for those who've had the pleasure of being hit with a car's ignition system...that's a pretty good comparison.

Now the police taser guns...or those bigass handheld tasers that produce like 500,000v and sound like somebody snapping leather belts when you turn it on...those might make you crap yourself. No way I wanna be hit with one of those...they sound like they'd blow the skin right off of you. lol
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Old 02-23-2012, 07:58 PM   #27
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holy hell necro post.
And yes, I did get tasered. And yes, I did scream like a little girl.
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Old 02-23-2012, 08:11 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatherBNarizona
holy hell necro post.
And yes, I did get tasered. And yes, I did scream like a little girl.
Video ??
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Old 02-23-2012, 09:06 PM   #29
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Very funny story!

Thanks
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Old 02-23-2012, 09:27 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatherBNarizona View Post

I plan on getting tased this summer. Don't really want to do it, but I'm curious. Don't worry, the video camera will be rolling...
Quote:
Originally Posted by RatherBNarizona View Post
holy hell necro post.
And yes, I did get tasered. And yes, I did scream like a little girl.
Like somebody above posted-----Where is that video


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