How about a joke thread? Keep em' clean

[Dare2BSquare]

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 40 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a damn about the 40 million Muslims'.

[amy]

The guys may not find this as funny...

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my
boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied
anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I
simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I
hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on
the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I
had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come
reset it.'

'You know where the button is,'20I protested through
the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it
yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if
it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon,
it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I
perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the
sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing
me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who
discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at
the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate
of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or
flight' sy ndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only
the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I
was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than
finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in
front of a group of 'been-there, done-that'
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct
their work, all the while trying to suppress their
hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally
made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to
coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it
was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat
got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[4point]

In the end its just one more way that _ _ _ _ _ will get you into trouble.

[Dare2BSquare]

Originally Posted by amy

The guys may not find this as funny...

Funny, but not a joking matter!!!

[Dare2BSquare]

A 70 year old widow decides she is ready to be re married.
She writes a wanted ad in the newspaper as follows:
Husband Wanted**
must be around my age (70s)
must not run around on me
must not beat me
must be good in bed

Two days later the door bell rings and when she answers the door she sees a man around her age in a wheel chair. He is missing his arms and legs. She asks him "are you serious? you can'tbe here for the ad". He asks "Why Not?" She says "You have no arms or legs". He explains to her that therefore he can not beat her or run around on her. So she asks "how are you in bed?" His response "I rang the door bell didn't I."

[h8nagn]

For all you other government workers out there!

A man applies for a job at the Post Office.

The interviewerasks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes -just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%. An IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00- and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says.

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[4point]

Cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: Firstly, you have to be single and secondly, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party

[amy]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare
notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday, at the end
of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so turned on
that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask.'

'When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat
down, turned on ESPN and yelled, 'Hey, Batwoman, what's for dinner?'!!!!!

[ccain]

a young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'please be gentle; i'm still a virgin.'

'what?' said the puzzled groom. 'how can that be if you've been married 10 times?'

'well, husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.'

'husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.'

'husband #3 was from field services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.'

'husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.'

'husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process, but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.'

'husband #6 was from administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.'

'husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.'

'husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.'

'husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.'

'husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.........oh, god i miss him.'

'but now that i've married you, i'm so excited.'


'wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'


'you're with the government … this time i know I'm gonna get screwed.'

:d

[Dare2BSquare]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,










'He should've quit while he was a head.'

[jjseel]

AAAAAARRRRGGGGH!

[jgano23]

Two old men decided that their lives were quickly slipping away so they wanted to have one last romp before it was too late, so they decided to visit a brothel. When the two men entered the owner decided she did not want to waste two of her girls on them so she placed a blow up doll in each of their rooms. THey both left the brothel, the first old man says to the second, "I don't know about you, but I think my girl was dead. She didn't move and she was very cold." The second old man replied, "Oh ya, well I think mine was a witch. I nibbled on her ear then she farted and flew out the window!"

[ccain]

a teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'i had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

the teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'well', she began, 'i was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'that must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'it sure was,' said the little girl. 'my kitty raised his back, went
'sssss, sssss, sssss' and before he could say 'shit,' the rottweiler ate
him!

:d

[h8nagn]

a husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

the next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it up and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A closed-casket viewing is scheduled for monday.

[h8nagn]

Here is one for Silvergoat, don't stay in Alaska too long!!

Jim had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

[rketr]

Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[rketr]

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[ccain]

A very seasoned and jaded Gunnery Sergeant noticed a new marine one day and barked at him to get over here.

"What is your name marine?" Demanded the gunny.

"John," the new guy replied.

Gunny scowled, "look, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart, liberal, pansy ass, nonsense they're teaching marines in boot camp today but, I DO NOT call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my marines ONLY by their last name - Smith, Jones, Baker - that is all. You will refer to me ONLY as Gunnery Sergeant or Sir! Do I make myself clear"?!

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what the hell is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Gunnery Sergeant!"



"Okay-- John, here's what we're gonna do..."

[jgano23]

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals.The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain."Where the hell am I?"A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over.""Well, what the hell happened to me?""We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?"The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?""Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice littlebird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"



A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again, you're in my closet now."

[4point]

>> Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


>>
>> 1. This is this cat.
>> 2. This is is cat.
>> 3. This is how cat.
>> 4. This is to cat.
>> 5. This is keep cat.
>> 6. This is an cat.
>> 7. This is old cat.
>> 8. This is fart cat.
>> 9. This is busy cat.
>> 10. This is for cat.
>> 11. This is forty cat.
>> 12. This is seconds cat.



















>> Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I betcha' can't resist passing it on.

[stevens243]

AAAAARRRRRHHHHHGGGGGG.

40 Seconds of my life I'll never get back!!!

Good job. Man, I thought I was doin' good for an old guy too. Double whammy!

[jgano23]

Things to Ponder

1. Is there another word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[stevens243]

How about instead of a joke, just some alternate word definitions:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[jgano23]

, i dont think you'll find those in webster's

[stevens243]

Originally Posted by jgano23

, i dont think you'll find those in webster's

I know, but everytime I read: Flatulence, I start giggling like a schoolgirl!

[jgano23]

i liked negligent, i almost died when i read it.

[stevens243]

I KNEW IT! I almost just posted that on the "something about the person about you thread"..

NOW I'M GOING TO!

[Dare2BSquare]

Did y'all hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding was horrible, but the reception was great!!!

[4point]

Hijacked from another forum.

FBI opening:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you u will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots we re heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are freakin crazy.

Don't mess with them.

[jgano23]

Originally Posted by 4point

Hijacked from another forum.

FBI opening:

!!