How about a joke thread? Keep em' clean

[h8nagn]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators at
the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I
saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."


4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."


5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."


6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of
the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."


8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well
is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

A few years old but still funny.

[jgano23]

#'s 8 & 9 are the best! i laughed my ass off!

[h8nagn]

From an annoymous source, probably buried somewhere if this is true

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her
for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled----'WHAT?'

I then said 'honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...............

[Dare2BSquare]

That can't be true. No one would be alive to testify to it anyway.

[4point]

YouTube - Jeep Wrangler TJ V8!

[Dare2BSquare]

Knew that one was bogus from the beginning. Where was all the wind noise??? 160 MPH in a refrigerator box???!!!

[stevens243]

I got suspisious when he didn't jam the throttle at that first apex...Too much motorcycle time I guess.

[toddinav]

One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

[toddinav]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

[toddinav]

Blonde Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand who you are talking about”.
Blond Caller: “On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”

[toddinav]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over, I need help urgently! I bought a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t even start it. Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”The blonde replies, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a big chicken.” Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. Turning to his girlfriend he says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken”He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then…” he sighs, “let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box…”

[Dare2BSquare]

Never bring outdoor plants into the house.

Garden Grass Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.........

A couple in Baltimore, Maryland had a lot of potted plants.
During a cold spell,the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and
the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a
shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem
was She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down
on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time
the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind He thought
the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in,
wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and
started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in
the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor. He volunteered to capture the snake. He
armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under
the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who
sat down on the sofa in relief.
But, while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to
use CPR to revive her.The neighbor's wife, who had just returned
from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on
the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the
head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting
his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her
neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the
kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it
down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man,
smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor
and his sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from
under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell
over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started
a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car
swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who
called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the
fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The
rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area
(but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the
house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a
new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced
a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought
they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

[Dare2BSquare]

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile. "Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store. The man was astonished.

He thought, how amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children. Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car.

He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1990 could you? We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."

[4point]

Stolen from Kodiak Commando over at 4x4him.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, ?I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.?

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. ?We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

[jjseel]

Oh, dang! Taken in again!

[Dare2BSquare]

Old Fart Football

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football..'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally s__t in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

[yjwrangler]

so this horse walks into the bar and the bartender says..." hey, why the long face" ahhahahahaaaha

[orange05tj]

Originally Posted by yjwrangler

so this horse walks into the bar and the bartender says..." hey, why the long face" ahhahahahaaaha

[h8nagn]

A little late but a great Dear Abby letter

DearAbby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth.
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my
other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother
is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his
three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former
prostitute who lives in Longview .She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack
Obama for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[h8nagn]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When the Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
family was invited over to see the baby.


Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even
said the word 'ears' he would get the spanking of his life when they
came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.'

Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the Mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great,' said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he
needed glasses.

An oldie but goodie

[stevens243]

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Dare2BSquare]

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over on I-10 about 2
miles West of the Gonzales/Fayette County line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the
driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he
was on his way to Houston to do a show that night at the
Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,
and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he
wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk
of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got
three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in
behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, from Gonzales, got out and watched
the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol
car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the
patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he
thought he was doing.

The drunk replied,'You might as well take
my arse to jail, cause there's no way in hell I
can pass that test

[jjseel]

SILVER SCREW...


Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.


All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.



One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled.

The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Tibet. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The Monk knew exactly why he had come. The screw guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery....and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. So the man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared back out the window.

The next morning whe n the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.


The moral to this story is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand........you could lose your a$$.'

[ccain]

a guy walks into a bar,sits down and asks the bartender,"got any specials today?" the bartender says,"yes ,as a matter a fact we have a new drink,invented by a gynecologist paton of ours.it's a mix of pabst blue ribbon beer and smirnoff vodca.the guy asks"good grief ,what do you call that?"the bartender smiles and says,"it's called a pabst smir"

:d

[Dare2BSquare]

The first man married a woman from Tennessee . He told her that she was
to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Oklahoma . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there
was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Arkansas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,

dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,

some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

[jgano23]

.

[Dare2BSquare]

A cowboy, who moves to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[jcf]

Ok- I saw this & thought it was funny but it is prolly not a new one I just have never read it before:
THE WHEELERS PRAYER
Our lockers,who are in the diffs,
Hollowed be thy name,
thy traction come,
thy will be done,
in mud as it is on rocks.
Give us this day our daily tread & forgive us our rollovers,
as we forgive those who roll against us.
Lead us not into bottomless bogholes,
but deliver us from breakage,
for thine is the locker & the bogger& the swamper for ever and ever,
Amen

[ks90yj]

A guy walked into a bar and said..........







OUCH!! Haha I love that one makes me laugh everytime

[jcf]

Thanks guys this gave me a few laughs, just what I needed