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Old 02-11-2009, 08:41 AM   #361
that's what she said

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dare2BSquare View Post
A cowboy, who moves to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

. you're jokes are always good for a laugh dare.

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Old 02-13-2009, 06:40 PM   #362
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Showering like a woman/man

Quote:
how to shower like a woman

take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How to shower like a man

take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a shampoo mohican

wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I know you're laughing because it's true!!!!!!
:d:d

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Old 02-13-2009, 06:48 PM   #363
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A Fairy Tale

One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End
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Old 03-06-2009, 12:38 PM   #364
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Quote:
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

________________________________________ __________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

________________________________________ __________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:
________________________________________ ____________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom
.
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Old 03-06-2009, 01:06 PM   #365
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two elderly men are sitting on a bench talking... the first man says

"This new $15k hearing aid I have is the best in the world! It's wonderful and great and I can hear better than I ever could even before I lost my hearing."

the second man asks

"What kind is it?"

first man... "About half past four."
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Old 03-06-2009, 02:32 PM   #366
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Mine has a couple swear words in it I hope its still clean lol

Theres a man walking down the road and he sees a woman sitting on a bench crying, she has no arms and no legs. So he man asks "whats wrong old lady?" She says "I got no arms no legs and i've never been hugged" So the man looks around sees no ones looking and gives he a hug and keeps walking. The next day he walks past the same bench and the old lady is still sitting there crying again. So he says "Old lady whats wrong today?" She says " I got no arms no legs and ive never been kissed" So he goes wow alright he looks around again to make sure no one is looking leans down and gives her a quick kiss and keeps walking. The next day he walks past the same bench and there she is sitting there again balling her eyes out like the past days. So the man says "Old lady whats wrong today?" And she says, "I got no arms no legs and ive never been fucked" So he looks around to make sure no one is looking he picks up the old lady and throws her in a pond the man says "now your fucked"
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Old 03-06-2009, 02:55 PM   #367
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ccain View Post
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal.....
I'm not sure I apprieciate you retelling my family stories as jokes.....


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Old 03-10-2009, 07:13 AM   #368
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How long has it been since you took the dog to the vet?


Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

"The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked,"why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Yellow Lab replied, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
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Old 03-10-2009, 08:48 PM   #369
that's what she said

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Old 05-10-2009, 01:17 PM   #370
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A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one He thought he
was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me
up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:04 AM   #371
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Quote:
A motorcycle policeman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that
all was well.

However, the police man kept feeling something pulling at
the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second
surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he
finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were four wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:


'Get well soon....

'Get well soon....

from the nurse in the Jeep

you pulled over last week.
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:36 AM   #372
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> The Nun in Hooters
>
> A nun, badly needing to use the rest-room, walked into a local Hooters.
>
> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
> while "the lights would turn off."
>
> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
>
> However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
>
> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
> rest-room?
>
> The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
> statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
>
> "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the
> nun.
>
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
>
> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
> long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause e. !
>
> She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
> applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"
>
> "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"
>
> "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the
> puzzled nun.
>
> "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts
> the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..
>
> Now, how about that drink?"
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:42 AM   #373
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I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant

'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,and

if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nNearly creamed my new truck but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, 'A**holes!'

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,

with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and

Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:35 AM   #374
that's what she said

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A drunken man who smelled like beer and vomit sat down on a subway in Glasgow next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,


'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies,

'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,

'Well, I'll be damned,'
Then he returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered,

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
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Old 05-18-2009, 10:38 AM   #375
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The Flasher:
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Old 05-18-2009, 10:42 AM   #376
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Exercise Program for those OVER 40!!!

New exercise program for those Over 40. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...





























NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
Have a glass of wine.
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:47 AM   #377
that's what she said

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker.


God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.


They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I Want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.


The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.


This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.


Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.


The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

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Old 05-22-2009, 07:55 AM   #378
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'
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Old 05-25-2009, 11:24 PM   #379
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Men have better friends

Friendship among women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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Old 06-08-2009, 06:22 PM   #380
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The Padre's Ass


The padre entered his donkey in a race and It won. The padre was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The local paper read:

PADRE'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the padre not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PADRE'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the padre to get rid of the donkey. The padre decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the bishop , so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ... being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
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Old 06-08-2009, 08:18 PM   #381
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I wonder if the nun in the story is Turd's mom??
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Old 06-10-2009, 08:04 AM   #382
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One morning, a mama cow and her three baby cows were out grazing in the field. The first baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says, "Mama, why is my name Daisy?"

And the mama cow said, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."

And the first baby cow trotted off, satisfied.

The next day, they were all out in the field again. The second baby cow came up to the mama cow and said, "Mama, why is my name Tulip?"

"Well, honey, when you were born a tulip fell on your head."

And the baby cow was happy with that answer and continued grazing.

The next day, they all went out into the field again to graze. The third baby cow came up to the mama cow and said,"GLUPHABABABLUGHARDTHYPOGHHH!!!"

And the mama cow said, "SHUT UP BRICK!!!"
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Old 06-10-2009, 09:48 AM   #383
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SHUT UP BRICK!!!
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And the most important safety, I never put my booger hook on the bang switch unless I'm ready to fire.
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Old 06-11-2009, 12:34 PM   #384
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HAH! That just made my day! Thanks! Mark W.
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:26 PM   #385
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Quote:
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
.
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Old 06-14-2009, 07:48 PM   #386
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Why do women fake orgasms?











ans: They think we give a s***.
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:08 PM   #387
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Quote:
Originally Posted by APBAinMaine View Post
Why do women fake orgasms?











ans: They think we give a s***.

says the man w/ the small.........
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Old 06-24-2009, 09:22 PM   #388
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Heard this from one of my scouts on the last camp out.... it was so bad I need to share...

What is brown and sounds like a bell?







DUNG!!


Sorry....
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Old 07-07-2009, 08:18 PM   #389
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce
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Old 07-17-2009, 01:29 PM   #390
I am JD & It's my Dream

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Porsche or X-Type Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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