A cowboy, who moves to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Mine has a couple swear words in it I hope its still clean lol
Theres a man walking down the road and he sees a woman sitting on a bench crying, she has no arms and no legs. So he man asks "whats wrong old lady?" She says "I got no arms no legs and i've never been hugged" So the man looks around sees no ones looking and gives he a hug and keeps walking. The next day he walks past the same bench and the old lady is still sitting there crying again. So he says "Old lady whats wrong today?" She says " I got no arms no legs and ive never been kissed" So he goes wow alright he looks around again to make sure no one is looking leans down and gives her a quick kiss and keeps walking. The next day he walks past the same bench and there she is sitting there again balling her eyes out like the past days. So the man says "Old lady whats wrong today?" And she says, "I got no arms no legs and ive never been fucked" So he looks around to make sure no one is looking he picks up the old lady and throws her in a pond the man says "now your fucked"
1986 Mustang GT 342 stroker under construction
1998 Jeep TJ 2 inch lift 32 inch BFG's
How long has it been since you took the dog to the vet?
Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.
The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
"The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked,"why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".
The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Yellow Lab replied, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
you sure gots a Purdy mouff boy!
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one He thought he
was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
A motorcycle policeman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that
all was well.
However, the police man kept feeling something pulling at
the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second
surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he
finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were four wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
> The Nun in Hooters
> A nun, badly needing to use the rest-room, walked into a local Hooters.
> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
> while "the lights would turn off."
> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
> However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
> The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
> statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
> "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
> long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause e. !
> She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
> applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"
> "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"
> "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the
> puzzled nun.
> "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts
> the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..
> Now, how about that drink?"
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker.
God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I Want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
Friendship among women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Daily Driver 2010 Ford Fusion
Weekend Toy: 2008 Rubicon...
Expensive Toy: 1983 Cadillac Coupe DeVille
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Porsche or X-Type Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
The kind of woman that when my feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
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