How about a joke thread? Keep em' clean

[jdhallissey]

Dictionary of Construction Terminology
ImageContractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineer''s Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

[jdhallissey]

Handy Engineering Conversions
Image1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knot furlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

14. 1 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 10 cards? = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram

25. 8 nickels? = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision

[baja]

Whats the last thing a mole sees when it follows another into its hole?MOLASSES

[jdhallissey]

^ hahahahahah

[joemd60]

Great Italian Sex

The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love,

And she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love
And she screamed for 10 minutes!'

The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love,
And she screamed for over six hours!'

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked,
'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'

The Italian said.............


I wiped my hands on the bedspread

[csamn2007]

↑ LMAO took me a second, i had a "brain fart"!

[amy]

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden .....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel..

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah , who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston . Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament . Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[baja]

Judas gave asparagas a bad rap.

[RatherBNmexico]

*copied from AVJC*
not my joke...


SAY GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have
to like them!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots
back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi,
while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in
hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know
that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi
driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye
to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ***
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[baja]

Not so much a joke but a mind teaser. What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up?

[JDsDream]

an umbrella?

[MikeMYJ]

What does Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common? They both like to put their 50 year old meat in 12 year old buns.

[joemd60]

http://media.mtvnservices.com/video/...enbv1u9&geo=US

[joemd60]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,






"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[David Lucas]

Originally Posted by joemd60

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,






"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

My punchline would replace lawyer with democrat congressman.

[baja]

Originally Posted by JDsDream

an umbrella?

You win.

[joemd60]

A professor at the University of Georgia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"


About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.”


"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"


About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.


"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.


“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.


"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.”


"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"


Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.


The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."


The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”


Bubba replied: "Sheeiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats"

[adkjoe]

Sorry another Jackson joke....

Since Michael was 98% plastic they decided to melt him down into lego blocks so the little kids can still play with him.

[joemd60]

Better than a Flu
Shot!


Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea..
As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned
With tea and
scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter..

[joemd60]

[jeepnpr]

A mans wife came in wearing a sexy nighty.
Seductively she whispers to her husband "Tie me up & you can do whatever you want"
So, he tied her up, screwed her sister & went fishing!


Most common sexual position in couples today is "DOGGY" style
Husband = SITS & BEGS for sex
Wife = ROLLS OVER & PLAYS DEAD!

Due to a city wide power outage only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark do the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3yo girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, she did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, her baby brother was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked his little bottom so he began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide eyed 3yo what she thought about what she had just seen. Kathleen quickly replied "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his butt again!"

[ccain]

Not really a joke just some stuff to ponder:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

When you reach the afterlife, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[jgano23]

i can answer some of those cain.

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
it's a finance charge

When you reach the afterlife, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
yes, so don't piss off your survivors

What disease did cured ham actually have?
swine flu

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
that is the "diet" setting

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
who cares?

[skeeter]

Originally Posted by ccain

Not really a joke just some stuff to ponder:


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Communications gear is part of the "helmet"
It's more of a head warmer than a helmet. The heaters in those old WWII era fighters was pretty weak especially in the radial engined craft, and even in the pacific it got cold at higher altitudes.



A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans..
Not really knowing what an Obama fan was, but wanting to
be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be
different..... again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked why was he a Republican. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'


I always liked Little Johnny.

[joemd60]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Jesus

[jgano23]

^ that is one of may favorite jokes of all times.

[jgano23]

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent golf, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "what's wrong?"

And Phil replied, “It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[joemd60]

Doing the Dishes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[joemd60]

Originally Posted by jgano23

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent golf, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "what's wrong?"

And Phil replied, “It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[coyote_94yj]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.