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Old 02-25-2007, 08:43 PM   #31
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Knock knock..........

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Old 02-25-2007, 09:53 PM   #32
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Knock knock..........
I'll bite...Who's There?

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Old 02-25-2007, 10:09 PM   #33
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I'll bite...Who's There?
Armadillo.........
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Old 02-25-2007, 10:12 PM   #34
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Armadillo who?
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Old 02-25-2007, 10:34 PM   #35
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this anticipation is killing me already
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Old 02-26-2007, 12:16 AM   #36
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He probably forgot the punchline.
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Old 02-26-2007, 12:53 AM   #37
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I'm sorry I got him going........
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Old 02-26-2007, 06:16 AM   #38
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Armadillo.........
terrible joke.
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Old 02-26-2007, 05:29 PM   #39
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Lil Johnny

Teacher was giving the students words to make sentences with and gave little Suzy the word, "stupid."

Little Suzy says, "Lil Johnny is STUPID!!"

The teacher says, "Suzy that is a correct sentence, but that was not a very nice thing to say about lil Johnny!"

Teacher gets to the work dictate and decides that lil Johnny couldn't say anything naughty with that word, so she gives it to him.

Lil Johnny says, " little Suzy, how'd my dictate last night?"
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Old 02-26-2007, 05:42 PM   #40
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The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
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Old 02-26-2007, 05:57 PM   #41
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Dimmer switches.....

It is now a Federal Law that all dimmer switches be relocated back in the floor...........


Why........... because the blondes keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel with the current switches.
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Old 02-26-2007, 09:08 PM   #42
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Lights on...........clap clap

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

Opens car door ............... hehehe
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Old 02-27-2007, 12:36 AM   #43
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There was a couple, 85 years old, who had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. They were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
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Old 02-27-2007, 09:46 AM   #44
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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
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Old 02-27-2007, 01:55 PM   #45
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What does a polar bear and a girl from arkansas have in common?







They both lick their paws
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Old 02-27-2007, 05:10 PM   #46
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true story

a couple of years ago, my wife went into work, one of her friends was griping about the new dictionary...My wife say's "what's wrong with it?"\
Friend say's "adding stupid new words and taking perfectly good ones out"
Wife "really? what did they take out?
Friend "they took out 'gullible', a perfectly good word"
Wife "really?"
then she called me, mad because they were laughing at her
Bless her heart!
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Old 02-27-2007, 05:46 PM   #47
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Green light!!!

Two guys were driving thru town. When they come upon a red light the driver stomps on the gas......fly's thru the red light.

Guy in the passenger seat says, "Man you just ran a red light!!"

Driver says, "That's ok, my brother does it all of the time."

Couple of blocks later they come upon another red light, the driver stomps on the gas......fly's thru the red light.

Guy in the passenger seat says, "Man you just ran another red light!!"

Driver says, "That's ok, my brother does it all of the time."

Couple of blocks later they come upon a green light and the driver stomps on the brakes!!

Guy in the passenger seat says, "Man you just ran TWO red lights and when we come upon a green light you stomp on the brakes!! Why did you stop for the green light?!?!"

The driver responds, "Well my brother might be coming!!!"
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Old 02-27-2007, 07:05 PM   #48
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Old 02-27-2007, 10:40 PM   #49
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By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizabeth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

31. You can do your laundry without quarters.

32. None of your fur coats are homemade.
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Old 02-28-2007, 07:10 PM   #50
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Upset stomach

Patient goes to the doctor with an upset stomach. Doc checks him out and puts him on a prescription of suppositories. Tells him to go home take medication and come back to see him in two weeks

Patient goes home, takes medication and returns to the doc in two weeks.

Doc asks how the suppositories worked and the patient responds," Doc no better than those suppositories was, I might as well stuck em' up my arse!!"
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Old 03-01-2007, 02:29 PM   #51
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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.


A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man
had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer...

"held a policy from the company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire"

...and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. (allegedly)
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Old 03-01-2007, 02:45 PM   #52
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Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
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Old 03-01-2007, 09:17 PM   #53
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Newly Weds

Guy and gal get married and on their honeymoon night he decides that he might as well establish his role in the marriage, so he stands up beside the bed, takes of his pants and says to his wife, "Here put these on!"

Confused, his wife looks at him and says, "Honey, that's silly. You know I can't wear those!"

The husband replies, "That's right and don't forget it. I wear the pants in this family!!!"

Now the wife, obviously pissed, stands up beside the bed, takes her panties off and says, "Here, put these on!"

The husband replys, "That's crazy, you know I can't get into those!!"

The wife responds, "That's right and your not going to until your d*mn attitiude changes!!"
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Old 03-01-2007, 09:36 PM   #54
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Anybody got any jokes that aren't as old as dirt?
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Old 03-01-2007, 09:56 PM   #55
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Texas Chili Contest

Judge # 3 - No Report
OMFG!!!!!! I laughed so hard at this one that I think I broke a rib. I've been to some Real Texas Chili Cook-off's.....

When I was stationed at Sheppard AFB in Wichita Falls, a buddy and I drove the 2 hours down to Dallas....This buddy was from New England! He wanted to go to the Chili Cook-off, because he said that he hadn't had a decent bowl of either Chili or Chowder since he left the north.
Long story short...the next day back on base, he had to report to sick-call!

Holy Crap! Too Funny! Good one MOG!
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Old 03-01-2007, 09:58 PM   #56
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Anybody got any jokes that aren't as old as dirt?
no.





why did the chicken cross the road?
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Old 03-01-2007, 10:21 PM   #57
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Arkansas Razorback cheerleader

What does a Razorback cheerleader say during foreplay...






GET OFF ME DADDY, YOUR CRUSHING MY CIGERETTES!
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Old 03-01-2007, 10:22 PM   #58
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What does a Razorback cheerleader say during foreplay...
GET OFF ME DADDY, YOUR CRUSHING MY CIGERETTES!
Yeah....while HER grand children watch!
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Old 03-02-2007, 01:00 PM   #59
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Anybody got any jokes that aren't as old as dirt?
Why ? Does "dirt" tell funny stories ?



Don't whine, contribute.


What I give is all I got.
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Old 03-02-2007, 08:40 PM   #60
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Why ? Does "dirt" tell funny stories ?



Don't whine, contribute.


What I give is all I got.
You're a sharp wit, obviously.

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