How about a joke thread? Keep em' clean

[gus54]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife if they can "make love". Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could"...'?????

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning...you don't.'

[joemd60]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye
Grandpa.'


The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye
Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father
thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to
bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God
Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma..' The next day the grandmother died.


'Holy sh!t thought the father, this kid is in
contact with the other side.


Several weeks later when the girl was going to
bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He
practically went into shock.


He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the
crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch
and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and
jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh
of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen
you work so late, what's the matter?'


He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've
just spent the worst day of my life.'


She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll
never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in
the middle of my lesson!

[Avan]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.


He tripped and fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...


At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?


'Very well,' said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

[popparob2-4]

this one came from my 6 year old....."daddy did you hear about the stingy clam"?
"NO"
"HE WAS VERY SHELLFISH"!!......I had to laugh....gotta love kindergarten....

[popparob2-4]

this one came from my 6 year old....."daddy did you hear about the stingy clam"?
"NO"
"HE WAS VERY SHELLFISH"!!......I had to laugh....gotta love kindergarten....

[popparob2-4]

how'd that happen twice???ahhhhhhhhhhhh now that's funny

[joemd60]

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.


"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small white card: "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and a great lover."


"Yeah," his wife nodded: "and it got your weight wrong, too."

[RedWrangler]

The Power of a Badge......

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

[joemd60]

Proof that men DO remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
in my face and said,

'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

[joemd60]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, well educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,"Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a h*rd-on and fell off my perch!"

[sdunsworth]

An old man walks into an upscale jewelry shop with a cute young thing on his arm. She is just all over him as they approach the counter.

The salesman approaches them and asks how he may be of assistance. The man states that they noticed the necklace in the window and he wanted to purchase it for the young lady.

The salesman pulls the necklace in question out of the window and offers to let her try it on. After helping secure it around her neck, the salesman turns back to the man and advises him that the necklace in question was $25,000. The assures him that it was ok and asks the young lady if she liked it. She, of course, does.

The man advises the salesman that they'll take it. The salesman asks how he would like to pay and is told by check. The salesman pulls the man to the side and tells him that they will not be able to release the necklace until Monday once they have had an opportunity to verify funds.

"Wouldn't you rather charge this and take it home today?" asked the salesman.

"No, a check will be fine. We can wait until Monday." answers the man loud enough for the woman to hear. She turns and smiles at him.

The man fills out the check and provides ID, phone number, et cetera. He tells the salesman that they will return on Monday afternoon to pick up the necklace.

Monday morning, the salesman calls the man on the phone. "Do you realize that you have no where near the funds in your account to cover this according to the bank?!"

To which, the man answers ... "Of course! Do you have any idea how good of a weekend I had?"

[Dare2BSquare]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.


Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[dpc46]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?


How do you breath out of that little thing?

[chucky cheese]

Teacher asks her students to name the greatest inventions and why.
Suzy, I think the greatest invention is the automobile because it makes us mobile and allows us to go anywhere.
Teacher, very good
Alan, I think the greatest invention is the internet because it brings us information without leaving home.
Teacher excellent.
Jerry, I think the greatest invention is the igloo ice chest.
Teacher, what? The igloo ice chest. How can that be the greatest invention? All it does is keep cold things cold or hot things hot!
Jerry, yeah but how does it know?

[Hexxum]

A business man with some free time decides to hit the links for a morning of fun. He asks around to find the best golf course so he can brag to his friends of where he went, when he got back home. As he arrives to the links, he grabs his bag, throws it on a cart and takes off for the first hole.

Not realizing this was a championship golf course, it didn't take him too long to realize that he may have been a bit over his head. In fact, the course was so tough, he was looking at his scorecard, looking at the map, just trying to figure out which hole he was on.

He finally can't figure it out and yells ahead to the lady in front of him, "HEY LADY!! WHAT HOLE AM I ON?"

She replies back, "WELL, I'M ON 4, SO YOU'VE GOTTA BE ON 3!"

He politely responds, "THANK YOU!" and continues on his way.

It's not too much longer he's in the same trouble again, and has to yell ahead to the lady, "HEY LADY!!! WHAT HOLE AM I ON NOW!?!?"

"WELL, I'M ON 8, SO YOU HAVE TO BE ON 7!!!", she remarks.

Again he thanks the lady and continues to play. This continues several more times through the round. As he is walking up to the club house, this same friendly lady saw him walking up. He was shaking his head as he was adding up his score card. She walks up to him and says, "You know, this is a really tough course. Why don't you come into the bar, sit down with me, and we can talk about it?"

He gladly accepts and follows her into the bar. As they are sitting down, he begins asking the first ice breaker question, "So, What do you do for a living/"

She replies, "No No, we aren't getting into that."

He says, "Seriously? You wanted to talk, and won't even tell me what you do for a living?"

She says, "Yes, because if I do, you'll laugh at me!"

He says, "C'mon, Seriously! I won't laugh, I promise!"

She finally gives in and responds, "Okay, I'm a distributor and executive for a large Tampon company."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, He falls out of his chair in hysteral laughter.

She stands up, hands on her hips and starts to yell at him, "YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO LAUGH!!!"

Between laughing he replies, "I KNOW I KNOW, but I work for a large toilet paper company, so I guess you could say I'm still one hole behind ya!!"

[Jerry Bransford]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[lykanjt]

LOL .. that's freaking hilarious

A fourteen year old boy went into confession and ask the priest, "Father, I've recently discover this great thing call masturbation, it's so wonderful that I don't know what to do and I don't want to stop". So, with a calm voice the priest told him, "Son, you shouldn't be doing that and let it go to waste, you need to save it until you got married." After saying that, the booth got silent so the priest figure the little boy understood his message. He said his blessing and forgiveness and they both went their separate ways.
10 years goes by, the priest is getting to perform a wedding ceremony. The groom came by and ask to speak with him in private. Not knowing what his intention are, the priest asked, "Son, you're not getting cold feet now are you?" The groom replied, "No, no father, it's not like that. I don't know if you remembered me. I confessed to you about ten years ago about my problems. I took your advice, I didn't let it go to waste, I am about to get marry, so what do you want me to do with the 87 gallons of sperm that I have accumulated ?"

---------------

What do you do when you sees your wife limbing in the back yard ?

RELOAD!!!!!!!

[Hexxum]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing! You've already done told her twice!

[amy]

The Murphy Twins

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?


The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's , I am.'


The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'


The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'


The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?'


The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'


The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.


About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'


Michael asks , ' Why do you say that , Brian ?'

Brian answers , 'The Murphy twins are drunk again .'

[chucky cheese]

Thibideaux was leaving the river with two ice chests of fish when the game warden showed up.
Game warden,'do you have a fishing license?'
Thibideaux,'I don't need a fishing license. Dese are my pet fish and I brought dem down to da river to let dem swim for a while.
Game warden,'thats hard to believe. Do you have proof?'
Thibideaux,' I sho nuff does, watch.' Thibideaux proceeds to dump the two ice chests of fish in the river.
After a few minutes the Game warden asks Thibideaux,' Well where are the fish?
Thibideaux,'what fish?'

[sonofabeach]

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath


Two blondes are walking on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "hey, how do you get to the other side?"
The other blonde looks around and yells back
"you ARE on the other side"

ba doom bap!!

[OSUJEEPER]

How does the moon cut his hair?









E--Clips it....

[JDsDream]

HIS and HER DIARIES

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.












HIS DIARY

My boat wouldn't start today, can't figure out why, but at least I got laid.

[jjseel]

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured
that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I
knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.


Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even
slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.


Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.


You know, you just can't fix stupid.

[mowbizz]

Ol' Ethel was strolling up and down the nursing home aisles...whenever she approached another person she would lift her robe and exclaim "SUPER SEX!"

As she meandered down the aisle she spotted ol' Melvin sitting by the window...she strolled directly to him, lifted her robe and yelled "SUPER SEX!"

After a few seconds of contemplation...Melvin replied..."I'll take the soup!"

[mowbizz]

My new girlfriend was getting all hot and bothered...she said in a sultry voice..."lick me where it smells...."

So I drove her to Fall River...

[mowbizz]

A couple from back woods Maine were driving down the road when the wife spotted a baby skunk shivering by the roadside...she said, let's rescue that little baby skunk, so the hubby pulled over and the wife picked up the poor little critter, half frozen and she held it as they drove home... When they arrived at home she asked:
"where can we keep it to get it warm again"?
The hubby replies..."put it between your legs"
Wife replies: "what about the smell"?
Hubby says: "He'll get used to it...I did"

[Hexxum]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean Meat!

[jgano23]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.


The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere ... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[joemd60]

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss

.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS