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Old 10-04-2010, 08:20 PM   #721
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Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their medications,while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

EVER WONDERED...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Old 10-05-2010, 04:17 PM   #722
Knows a couple things...

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IS SEX WORK?????

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing
to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before
and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of Sex was "Work"
and how much of it was "Pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who
was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has
to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked, Why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would
have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

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Old 10-05-2010, 06:07 PM   #723
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TOE'S GO IN FIRST
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:21 PM   #724
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A US agriculture inspection officer shows up on this farm in north georgia, he tells the farmer who he is, and that he is there to inspect his fields to make sure nothing illegal is being cultivated. The farmer agrees, but before turning the officer loose, he say, "you can check all of my fields, but I wouldn't go into that back pasture if I were you"
The officer seems distraught over the farmers statement, so he pulls out his badge and says, "you see this?, this badge allows me to go anywhere on this land, and you don't have any say in the matter." the farmer doesn't argue. Several minutes later a loud shriek of terror can be heard all across the farm. The farmer looks up just in time to see the inspection officer running full speed across the pasture that he warned him about, close behind was the farmers prize bull in a dead sprint toasted the officer. Without missing a beat, the farmer yells out, "show him your badge, show him your badge!"
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Old 10-06-2010, 07:35 PM   #725
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Copper Wire

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, astory in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists findings of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Harper, Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Doss, Texas , Billy Bob, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Billy Bob has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to live in Texas,don't it?
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Old 10-09-2010, 09:29 PM   #726
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Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Indiana . He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge
dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Georgia. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his
arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he walks, but the crutches seem to help.
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:47 AM   #727
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* A crusty
*old Marine Sergeant Major
*found himself at a gala event hosted by a local
*liberal arts college.
* There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
*Sergeant Major*for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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Old 10-16-2010, 12:07 PM   #728
MARGARET, 10-14-51\6-1-12

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what did the banana say to the vibrator.

















why you shaking, she's going to eat me.
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:25 PM   #729
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Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6 In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write " For Smuggling
Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because
You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:24 PM   #730
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^ #5, my dad was the coffee man at PSE&G for many years before he retired. Whenever people stopped contributing cash for the coffee fund he would do this. The got the hint very quickly.

#18. that's why i can never go to the Philadelphia Zoo again.
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Old 11-09-2010, 07:18 PM   #731
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A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:40 PM   #732
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There was a lady married to Bill Bland who wanted to get a tattoo of his initials on her so she got a "B" tattooed on each buttcheek.
When she showed her husband his response was

"Who's Bob?"


groan..............
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:46 PM   #733
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joemd60 View Post
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6 In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write " For Smuggling
Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because
You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
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Old 11-10-2010, 07:20 AM   #734
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What did the pirate say when he got a steering wheel stuck down his pants?



Aaargh!!! It's driving me nuts!!!
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:17 AM   #735
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Do You Dance?


An old prospector shuffled in to the town of El Indio, Texas leading an
old tired mule. Theold man headed straight for the only saloon in
town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied
his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and
a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance... never really wanted to."


A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had
been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
Sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the
shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son,
have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've
Always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:03 PM   #736
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A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
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Old 11-11-2010, 05:20 PM   #737
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They say Muhammad Ali makes a hell of a margarita....



shaken...not stirred
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Old 11-20-2010, 06:28 PM   #738
Knows a couple things...

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The Norwegian Volunteer Fire Department outdoes the big fire departments!

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat ##@@xx**## truck!"
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Old 11-20-2010, 07:56 PM   #739
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I think the tight thong underwear showing through the tight, short slacks is especially nice. Oh, don't forget those blue shoes that don't go with anything. Amazing................

This looks like one of those Wal-Mart shoppers.

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Old 11-20-2010, 08:05 PM   #740
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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Old 11-25-2010, 08:04 PM   #741
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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee
Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that
with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd
go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go
deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and
rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave
of your hand??? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her right off
the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?
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Old 12-06-2010, 08:20 PM   #742
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Old 12-07-2010, 04:10 PM   #743
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Old 12-07-2010, 06:43 PM   #744
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One of my all time favorites...
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'11 Wrangler Sport 4D, Black Ours...

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Old 12-07-2010, 07:12 PM   #745
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One of my all time favorites...
my teachers never seemed to like it all that much...
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:28 PM   #746
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Superman, Snow White, and Pinocchio are walking down the street

When they pass a bar that had a sign out front which read:
Arm Wrestling Competition: $100 for the winner!

Superman says "wait here a minute" and ducks in.
He comes out five minutes later counting his hundred bucks.

As they walk along, there is another bar with a sign that reads:
Beauty Contest!
Snow White says to the others..."hang out for a sec" and runs in.
ten minutes later she reappears with a huge trophy.....


As they proceed along, the pass yet another bar...the sign out front stated:
World's Greatest Liar Contest: $1000 Grand Prize!

Pinocchio says "I got this one in the bag" and heads in.
Two minutes later he comes back out, shaking his head, and mutters..
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi???!"
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:08 PM   #747
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WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
















'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

























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Old 12-17-2010, 08:13 PM   #748
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Charlie. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kathy.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kathy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table... I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kathy.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed,Charlie
EDITOR'S NOTE: Charlie died suddenly on July 9th of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his Butt, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Kathy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Charlie, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Old 12-18-2010, 12:11 AM   #749
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didn't read through all these so not sure what has been posted, but this is my all time favorite.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
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Old 12-18-2010, 12:13 AM   #750
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

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