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Old 03-22-2011, 07:22 PM   #781
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86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86
year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic,but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with
a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answeringservice.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the
first place.*

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Old 03-22-2011, 08:02 PM   #782
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chuck norris

1. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands.
2. When Chuck Norris gets bit by a zombie he doesn't turn into a zombie the zombie turns into Chuck Norris.
3.Chuck Norris has already been to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
4.Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
5.Chuck Norris can win a game of scrabble using numbers.
6.Chuck Norris won American Idol using sign language.
7.Chuck Norris can melt paper.
8.Chuck Norris ate Forest Gump's box of chocolates because he wanted to see what life was like.
9.Chuck Norris can chew cement blocks.
10.Jaws was Chuck Norris' pet fish.

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Old 03-23-2011, 02:09 PM   #783
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Question asked... Question answered...

Man sitting at home on the deck with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me . . . . . . . . talking to the beer . . . . . . ."
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Old 03-23-2011, 03:17 PM   #784
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times till her husband says " are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"oh my, why yes I am" she says with a seductive smile.

"thank goodness for that...I thought you were sitting on the dang cat"
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Old 03-23-2011, 03:28 PM   #785
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DougHeffernan View Post
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times till her husband says " are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"oh my, why yes I am" she says with a seductive smile.

"thank goodness for that...I thought you were sitting on the dang cat"
see post 765 lol


btw. i love your profile picture. great show
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Old 03-23-2011, 04:35 PM   #786
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The arrogant DEA agent shows up at this Texas ranchers place.
The agent tells the rancher that he needs to check his property for illegal drug activity.
The rancher replies, Ok but, dont go in that pasture over there whatever you do.
The agent whips out his badge and says, Sir, I have the authority to go wherever I want to go and there is nothing you can do about it. So the agent, now suspicious, decides to start in that very pasture.
The rancher follows him over as the agent climbs the fence.
About 50 yards out into the pasture, the agent turns to see a massive Brauma bull coming at him. Scare out of his shorts, he turns and starts running to the fence with the big snot blowing bull hot on his tail.
As the agent gets closer, the rancher yell's out
"Show him your badge"
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:18 PM   #787
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLEGAN

see post 765 lol

btw. i love your profile picture. great show
Thanks I hated to be canceled and have to get a real job :-(

I'm using the iPhone app and don't have post numbers. Was the joke already posted? I didn't read thru all of them but I'm working on it .. Some really good ones and some really bad ones . Lol
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Old 03-23-2011, 10:36 PM   #788
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DougHeffernan

Thanks I hated to be canceled and have to get a real job :-(

I'm using the iPhone app and don't have post numbers. Was the joke already posted? I didn't read thru all of them but I'm working on it .. Some really good ones and some really bad ones . Lol
Lol yeah it was posted like 4 before yours. And I agree some good some bad
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Old 03-24-2011, 03:14 PM   #789
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLEGAN

Lol yeah it was posted like 4 before yours. And I agree some good some bad
Oops sorry .. Mine was funnier thou ! Haha
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Old 03-24-2011, 04:06 PM   #790
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You guys wanna see a funny joke?
Attached Thumbnails
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Old 03-24-2011, 05:09 PM   #791
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My Son was 4 when he told me this. I thought it was hillarious coming from him. Noone else ever laughs.

"Why did the Duck cross the road???


Answer: Because the chicken had the day off!!!
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Old 03-24-2011, 05:14 PM   #792
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 07XMan2Door View Post
My Son was 4 when he told me this. I thought it was hillarious coming from him. Noone else ever laughs.

"Why did the Duck cross the road???


Answer: Because the chicken had the day off!!!
ahhah! i like it.

how did the dead chicken cross the road??



IT WAS STAPLED TO THE FOX!
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Old 03-24-2011, 05:19 PM   #793
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Answer: He heard the Ref was blowing fouls.
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:20 PM   #794
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why did the lollipop cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken.
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Old 03-24-2011, 11:09 PM   #795
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLEGAN View Post
ahhah! i like it.

how did the dead chicken cross the road??
IT WAS STAPLED TO THE FOX!


Quote:
Originally Posted by joemd60 View Post
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?Answer: He heard the Ref was blowing fouls.
I thought they said keep it clean???

Quote:
Originally Posted by purple97jeep View Post
why did the lollipop cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken.
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:10 PM   #796
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The letters on a black Jeep's license plate: BAA BAA
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:13 PM   #797
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I live in hope of a better world--a world where poultry may traverse the thoroughfare without having its motives questioned.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:42 AM   #798
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A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that could pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No
one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and
proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says, "If the preacher stays I will provide
him with all the wine he wants."

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher
stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'"
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:00 PM   #799
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Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Old 04-05-2011, 07:19 PM   #800
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JDsDream View Post
Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
HA!!!!! That was great my wife is like Mother Mary. I told her and she just about christened her pants.
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Old 04-05-2011, 07:32 PM   #801
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I haven't read all of the jokes so hopefully this isn't a repeat, but I heard this the other day and thought it was funny!

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?


Enough to kill two and a half men.....
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:57 PM   #802
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Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:09 PM   #803
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tntviper1 View Post
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
LMAO that was good
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Old 05-12-2011, 03:54 PM   #804
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Sportsman's Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.


We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'

What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.


As my mind began to embrace the idea and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'


She sipped her beer and said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night' and I began to get a little hot under the collar.

We walked back to her place and went in through the front door.

She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
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Old 05-12-2011, 03:55 PM   #805
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JDsDream View Post
Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:07 PM   #806
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What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common??? Answer, they can both get close enough to smell it yet they just can't eat it!!
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Old 06-07-2011, 12:22 AM   #807
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What has a hundred teeth and holds back a dragon




My zipper
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Old 06-07-2011, 12:49 AM   #808
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What do you call the flesh around the v*g*n*? a woman =p
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Old 07-06-2011, 12:23 PM   #809
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GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man
gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance,"
says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?"
asked his wife. "Just some drunk
guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help
him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is
pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have
a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months
ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you
should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk
people too. The man does as
he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes
back the answer. "Do you still
need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!"
comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?"
asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
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Old 07-06-2011, 12:33 PM   #810
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Nice one!

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