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Old 03-02-2007, 11:42 PM   #61
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To my friends with Children: Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked."

"Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes "

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, The boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...



" ME! “

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Old 03-03-2007, 12:06 AM   #62
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Purina Diet

probably a repost or you might have heard it already but im still gunna post it

Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for
my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind
me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told
her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's
in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her
head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she
was totally buying it
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet
and that the way it works
is to load your pockets or purse with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The package said
the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone
in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food
had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street
licking my butt when a car hit
me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be
carried out the door.

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Old 03-07-2007, 02:26 PM   #63
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Gross!!!

Know what's gross?.............................



To be drinking a glass of snot and finding a fly in it.....I hate it when that happens
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Old 03-07-2007, 03:59 PM   #64
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All my jokes are dirty, dang it.
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Old 03-07-2007, 04:27 PM   #65
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The purina story reminds me of a guy I used to work with. He would always go through the checkout line at wal-mart or the grocery store and ask the cashier if they thought he had bought enough toilet paper for the amount of food he was buying.
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Old 03-07-2007, 06:57 PM   #66
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Know whats gross............?

When you kiss your grandmother goodnight and she slips you the tongue
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:02 PM   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iquois View Post
Know whats gross............?

When you kiss your grandmother goodnight and she slips you the tongue
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Old 03-07-2007, 09:02 PM   #68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iquois View Post
Know whats gross............?

When you kiss your grandmother goodnight and she slips you the tongue
Aw, come on. You're supposed to keep it clean!
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Old 03-08-2007, 12:34 PM   #69
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Talking

Whats green, red and goes 100 mph?


Frog in a blender
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Old 03-08-2007, 05:24 PM   #70
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A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"
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Old 03-10-2007, 01:47 PM   #71
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Guy and Gal just get married. On their honeymoon night they are having sex. The Guy didn't know it, but his new bride was an epileptic. In the middle of sex, she began having a seizure.

Not realizing that her body movement is from the seizure, starts thinking............."I'm the man, she is really enjoying this.

He finishes and gets up out of the bed, looks back and she is still shaking.

Immediately, he becomes concerned and calls 911.

The 911 operator asks him to describe how she is acting and he responds, "Well, shes kinda acting like her c*mer's stuck!!"
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:24 PM   #72
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Cool

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

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Old 03-14-2007, 08:31 AM   #73
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
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Old 03-14-2007, 08:34 AM   #74
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
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Old 03-14-2007, 08:45 AM   #75
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An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,

"I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.

"I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered,

"Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
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Old 03-15-2007, 09:24 PM   #76
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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Old 03-16-2007, 12:27 PM   #77
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "

And they say blonde's are dumb...
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Old 03-17-2007, 03:16 PM   #78
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Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
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Old 03-19-2007, 02:11 PM   #79
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Father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET.I'll be across the
Field."
A while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and Ran
Back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to Be
Quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the ant.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
" Well, I guess I just panicked "
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:21 AM   #80
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ah, the joys of hunting!
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Old 03-20-2007, 08:32 PM   #81
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Hillbilly goes into town for the first time...He enters a Drugstore and wanders around, looking at all the new stuff. He finds a mirror and say "wow, how'd they git a picture of my Pa?" He purchases the mirror and takes it home. He decides to hang the mirror in the barn because his wife never got along with his dad.
Every morning, he would get up and go to the barn and look at the "picture", missing his dad.
One day, his wife went down to the barn and sees the mirror. She says "So that's what he's been doing down here all these days! He has a picture of his ugly girlfriend!"
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Old 03-21-2007, 09:26 AM   #82
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im guessing this ad has to be a joke in a way

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Old 03-22-2007, 11:33 PM   #83
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dare2BSquare View Post
The joke's going to be on you when the women on the forum see this joke.
So far... no woman is interested to visit this thread
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:36 PM   #84
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We visit it. I've even posted a couple of jokes. We just chose not to comment.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:23 AM   #85
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lil Johnny' sister had a date, but her Mother would not let her go alone....So the boyfriend asked johnny to run down to the corner and get a dollars' worth of what's what. Of course, Lil Johnny took off to the corner drug store. He asked the Pharmacist for a dollars worth of what's what, the Pharmacist (knowing what was going on) said "I'm sorry Johnny, but, we just sold the last bit. However, I happen to know that Mr Jones at the hardware store across the square, just got in a fresh load." So off Johnny runs. Johnny approaches Mr Jones, and asks for "a dollars worth of what's what", and know's immediatley what is going on, sends Johnny on to the Grocercy Store, where he insists there is a fresh supply. Johnny sprints! When he gets there, he hollars to the produce manager..."I need a dollar's worth of what's what! Well, the Produce Manager had been around, and knew what was up, but didn't particularly care for lil' Johnny's sister's beau...So, he said to lil' Johnny "I have already sold out, however, If you go 2 blocks East, and then take a right, you will see a house with a red light at the door...ask the lady that answers for what you want" Well, lil' Johnny was a little tired, but was anxious to get the job done, so he ran off again, 2 blocks East, took a right, and saw a house with a red light. He banged on the door, and a pretty red head opened the door, dressed in a filmy night dress, and asked lil' Johnny what he wanted. Well, lil' Johnny had never seen a beautiful woman naked, and was staring at her body... He says, "what's that?" (staring at her crotch)...She says "what's what?" Lil' Johnny says "I'll have a Dollars Worth!!!"
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Old 03-24-2007, 11:21 AM   #86
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Whats the difference between dark and hard?


Stays dark all night!!
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Old 03-28-2007, 03:50 PM   #87
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Blind guy goes into a bar. He of course doesn't know it's a female biker bar. Taps his way up to the bar and to break the ice he says, "Hey barkeep, Y'all wanna hear a blonde joke?".

Bartender says, "Mister I am a blonde and I am holding a baseball bat in my right hand, The woman on your right is a blonde wrestler, and the woman on your left is a blonde weightlifter. The two women behind you are blonde lumberjacks. Now, do you still want to tell a blonde joke?"

He says, "Well, not if I'm gonna have to tell it FIVE TIMES!"
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Old 03-28-2007, 08:35 PM   #88
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Why a man needs a woman...

Not so much a joke as a funny pic I found on another site.
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Old 03-28-2007, 09:53 PM   #89
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Where is it???????????????????
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Old 03-28-2007, 10:07 PM   #90
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now THAT's a good helper!

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