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Old 07-17-2013, 05:22 AM   #1021
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Loved these three! Good way to start to the day!

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Old 07-17-2013, 08:45 AM   #1022
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Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?






A: Little kids won't eat Broccoli.

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Old 07-19-2013, 10:21 AM   #1023
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Text from my wife...

My wife Audrey,being the romantic sort, just sent me a text....: 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you..."

I replied... "I'm taking a ****. What should I do?"
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:50 PM   #1024
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Quote:
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"I'm taking a ****. What should I do?"
Send her a sniff.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:40 PM   #1025
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Two Irishmen walk out of a bar ....
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:56 PM   #1026
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My wife told me to quit drinking beer because we couldn't afford it,then I caught her spending 65 bucks on makeup. I asked her how come I have to give up stuff, but she don't. She said the makeup was so she could look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she is coming back.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:58 PM   #1027
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^Lol! Love that one!
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:07 PM   #1028
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An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 Guiness drafts. The bartender brings them and the man drinks them one by one, sipping them until he finishes all 3. Then he orders 3 more. The bartender sees this, and tells him that he would bring them one at a time, so he always has a cold one. The man replies "No thanks, I drink with my 2 brothers, one back in Ireland and the other in Australia, every week. Right now, they are having 3 beers. We're drinking together." The bartender smiles, and fetches 3 more drafts.

After several years of this, the man comes in one day and orders 2. He drinks them, then orders 2 more. "I'm sorry for whatever happened to your brother", the bartender says. The Irishman looks puzzled, so the bartender continues "You only ordered 2: I assume your brother passed away." The Irishman chuckles, "Noo, I just quit drankin!"
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:08 PM   #1029
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an irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 guiness drafts. The bartender brings them and the man drinks them one by one, sipping them until he finishes all 3. Then he orders 3 more. The bartender sees this, and tells him that he would bring them one at a time, so he always has a cold one. The man replies "no thanks, i drink with my 2 brothers, one back in ireland and the other in australia, every week. Right now, they are having 3 beers. We're drinking together." the bartender smiles, and fetches 3 more drafts.

After several years of this, the man comes in one day and orders 2. He drinks them, then orders 2 more. "i'm sorry for whatever happened to your brother", the bartender says. The irishman looks puzzled, so the bartender continues "you only ordered 2: I assume your brother passed away." the irishman chuckles, "noo, i just quit drankin!"

lol
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:31 PM   #1030
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A Frenchman, American, and Irishman are all drinking beer. Flies land in all three of their drinks.
The Frenchman looks at the fly, turns up his nose and orders a new beer.
The American looks at the fly, shrugs his shoulders and plucks the fly from the beer tossing it aside. Then proceeds to take a big swig.
The Irishman snatches the fly out of his beer and begins smacking the fly on the back yelling, "Spit it out ya bloody bastard!"
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:35 PM   #1031
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A guy is at the supermarket doing his weekly shopping when he notices a foxy new clerk running the Express Check-Out. When it's time to check out, he of course heads to her aisle. When it's his turn he puts his groceries, four frozen pizzas, a tube of toothpaste, and a Maxim magazine on the counter. The clerk looks at him and smiles saying, "Single, huh?"
"How could you tell?" he says with a smile.
"Because you're freaking ugly."
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:36 PM   #1032
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^^awesome!
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Old 07-20-2013, 12:02 AM   #1033
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A intelligent man walks into a voting booth, and votes for Obama.
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Old 07-20-2013, 12:04 AM   #1034
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A intelligent man walks into a voting booth, and votes for Obama.
Winner
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Old 07-21-2013, 10:50 AM   #1035
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How does Michael J. Fox like his margaritas?

Shaken, not stirred.
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Old 07-21-2013, 11:10 AM   #1036
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How does Michael J. Fox like his margaritas?
I don't like your joke... Just sayin.

Palate cleanser...
How many University of Virginia students does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 - they hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around em.
How many law school graduates? 3 - 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and the 3rd to file suit against the manufacturer for lack of stability.

A Baptist Sunday School teacher wanted to determine what grasp, if any, her students had on the concept of Heaven. She asked them, "Students, today we will talk about Heaven and how we can go. I'm going to ask you some questions about how we do that. Now, if I eat all my vegatables, can I go to Heaven?", "No" replied the children. "Well if I do all my homework, what about that, can I go to Heaven then?" Again, the children reply "No." "Well if I go to college and become very successful and buy everything my family wants, will that get me into Heaven?" "No", the children reply for a third time. "Very good Boys and Girls, that's right - but can any of you tell me how you do go to Heaven?"
A short Irish boy in the back raised his hand, then proudly exclaimed "You've gotta be foo**n dead!"
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Old 07-21-2013, 02:01 PM   #1037
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Why don't they serve ice in the drinks at Tech? The guy who had the recipe graduated

How do you get a Chokie off your porch? Pay him for the pizza

Jim Weaver is putting field turf down at Lane so the cheerleaders don't graze at halftime.

Wahoo-wah UVa '07
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Old 07-21-2013, 02:12 PM   #1038
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Why don't they serve ice in the drinks at Tech? The guy who had the recipe graduated

How do you get a Chokie off your porch? Pay him for the pizza

Jim Weaver is putting field turf down at Lane so the cheerleaders don't graze at halftime.

Wahoo-wah UVa '07
Lmfao, that's pretty funny right there.
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Old 07-21-2013, 05:33 PM   #1039
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I saw this on Facebook today:

The home of Gwyneth Paltrow was searched today by LA police. They found Cocaine and Amphetamines.

Her third child was not at home.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:47 AM   #1040
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I have been confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:57 AM   #1041
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Your momma's so stupid that when she got locked in the mattress store she slept on the floor
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Old 07-28-2013, 10:27 PM   #1042
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Q: What is Uranus' favorite video game?
A: Call of 'dooty!'
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:32 AM   #1043
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Guy leaves work early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his manhood in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the husband, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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Old 07-30-2013, 06:43 PM   #1044
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^ lol!
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:09 PM   #1045
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:12 PM   #1046
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How does a dinosaur get out of the pool?

Wet
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:13 PM   #1047
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I dont know if this has been posted yet. Hope not. It makes me laugh till I cry every time.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:02 PM   #1048
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^ one of my all time favorites
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:42 PM   #1049
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^ one of my all time favorites
x2
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Old 07-31-2013, 02:48 PM   #1050
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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some light, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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