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Old 07-31-2013, 05:38 PM   #1051
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^^LOL! You have a book with all of these jokes, don't you?

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Old 07-31-2013, 07:43 PM   #1052
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^^LOL! You have a book with all of these jokes, don't you?
Lol! As a matter of fact I do

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Old 07-31-2013, 08:11 PM   #1053
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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some light, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

That one made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
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Old 07-31-2013, 09:03 PM   #1054
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Lol! As a matter of fact I do
I knew it!
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Old 08-02-2013, 07:15 AM   #1055
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a b**w j*b?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
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Old 08-02-2013, 08:05 AM   #1056
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Lol!
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Old 08-02-2013, 08:37 AM   #1057
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A father walks in on his son as the young man is "pleasuring himself"

"Doing that will make you go blind", says the father.

The son replays, "I'm over here Dad"'
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Old 08-02-2013, 10:13 AM   #1058
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ROTFL! Gee, I love this thread!!
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Old 08-02-2013, 10:24 AM   #1059
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Why did Jeffrey Dahlmer have a blender on his front porch?






So he could greet you with a hand shake!
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Old 08-02-2013, 10:54 AM   #1060
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The difference between a girlfriend, a hooker, and a wife:
A girlfriend says, Slower....Slower.....
A hooker says, Faster!..Faster!
A wife says, Beige,.... I think we should paint the ceiling beige.
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Old 08-02-2013, 10:56 AM   #1061
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Do you know why you pay "ladies of the night"?

To leave.
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Old 08-02-2013, 02:26 PM   #1062
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Why did Jeffrey Dahlmer have a blender on his front porch?






So he could greet you with a hand shake!

What did Jeffrey Dahlmer say to Lorenna Bobbit?



You gonna eat that?
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Old 08-02-2013, 04:27 PM   #1063
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A blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
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Old 08-02-2013, 05:25 PM   #1064
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One night a young wife was invited out for a night with the girls. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. But the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 2:30 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict. The next morning he asked her what time she got in, to which she replied "MIDNIGHT." He didn't seem angry in the least. "Whew, I got away with that one", she thought. Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo Clock.' When she asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Old 08-04-2013, 09:21 AM   #1065
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Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 convenience store and as they passed the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun replied, “Indeed it would sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer since I’m certain it would cause a scene at the checkout register."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, so she picked up a six-pack and headed for the register.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. “Back at our nunnery, we call it “Catholic Shampoo"."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer, then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house."
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:18 PM   #1066
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Do you know why Tebow was such a great player at Florida?

He had a killer tight end.
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:24 AM   #1067
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How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:50 AM   #1068
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Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for, sir?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're going to say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me
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Old 08-08-2013, 08:42 PM   #1069
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Old 08-09-2013, 02:28 PM   #1070
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Didja hear about the two peanuts walking home late at night?



One was assalted ....
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:41 PM   #1071
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Didja hear about the two peanuts walking home late at night?

One was assalted ....
If a vegetable was a robber, which one would it be? The masked potatoes.

Didja hear bout the snail that went to the paint shop to get an 'S' painted on the hood of his car? As he drove by he wanted people to stop and say, "Look at that S-car go!"
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Old 08-09-2013, 08:41 PM   #1072
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Didja hear bout the snail that went to the paint shop to get an 'S' painted on the hood of his car? As he drove by he wanted people to stop and say, "Look at that S-car go!"
Is that a "Trading Places" reference? If so, do you know what movie this joke is from?

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
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Old 08-09-2013, 08:46 PM   #1073
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Is that a "Trading Places" reference? If so, do you know what movie this joke is from?

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Pulp fiction.
Do I win?
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Old 08-09-2013, 08:54 PM   #1074
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Is that a "Trading Places" reference? If so, do you know what movie this joke is from?

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."


Yup (I think, anyway)... & he beat me to it.

I'll have a coke.
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Old 08-12-2013, 01:49 PM   #1075
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What do you call a guy who steals Viagra?


A hardened criminal ...
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Old 08-12-2013, 03:52 PM   #1076
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I was checking into a hotel the other day. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Its Unbelievable what some people are into.
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Old 08-12-2013, 03:53 PM   #1077
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I was checking into a hotel the other day. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Its Unbelievable what some people are into.
Not looking at porn?????
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Old 08-12-2013, 03:55 PM   #1078
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Not looking at porn?????
I think the joke is disabled porn.
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Old 08-12-2013, 03:56 PM   #1079
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Not looking at porn?????
disabled people making porn
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Old 08-12-2013, 04:38 PM   #1080
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Does that room come with extra tissue?

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