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Old 08-12-2013, 11:47 PM   #1081
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:28 AM   #1082
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Pulp fiction.
Do I win?
Yup, today you are a winner!

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Old 08-13-2013, 02:21 PM   #1083
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Why I fired my secretary
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say," Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss! Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally go. Instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.
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Old 08-19-2013, 03:07 AM   #1084
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. With a smile he replied, 'B.J. Titsengolf'
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Old 08-20-2013, 09:33 AM   #1085
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I premise this with I think Red heads are sexy as hell.

What's the difference between a red head and a brick?

At least the brick gets laid....

What do you call a red head with a man?...... A hostage....

(this is coming from a blonde guy so laugh on)
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:06 PM   #1086
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joemd60 View Post
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6 In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write " For Smuggling
Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because
You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
Funny!
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:31 PM   #1087
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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people got married.
During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time." The husband thinks this a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times
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Old 08-20-2013, 06:11 PM   #1088
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[QUOTE="Jeeps16;4101246"]

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

Funny is that my parents actually pulled that last one on me and 3 younger sibs when we were ages 10 to 17! Scared the crap out of us till they couldn't keep a straight face any longer! Ahhhh, the memories!
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:28 AM   #1089
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[QUOTE=LindaB;4101729]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeeps16 View Post

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

Funny is that my parents actually pulled that last one on me and 3 younger sibs when we were ages 10 to 17! Scared the crap out of us till they couldn't keep a straight face any longer! Ahhhh, the memories!
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Old 08-26-2013, 02:38 PM   #1090
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Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left", so they started crying and headed home.
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Old 08-30-2013, 12:42 AM   #1091
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A joke I actually heard today from a patient.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Billy was playing in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the neighbors daughter!
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Old 08-30-2013, 05:48 AM   #1092
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Old 08-30-2013, 10:40 AM   #1093
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied 'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:47 PM   #1094
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I have a SERIOUS weakness for t-Rex jokes! The longer I look at these, the faster the tears of laughter roll off my cheeks!!!! Maybe it's just me....


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Old 09-05-2013, 02:52 PM   #1095
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Here you go.

Attachment 315929
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:54 PM   #1096
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Yesssss!
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:58 PM   #1097
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A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert. She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.The woman stops and says, "Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?"The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try. The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.The captain drops his pants and says, "Great! Do me next, I've got to catch that son of a bitch!"
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:39 PM   #1098
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Quote:
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I have a SERIOUS weakness for t-Rex jokes! The longer I look at these, the faster the tears of laughter roll off my cheeks!!!! Maybe it's just me....

You got me, I never saw T-Rex humor before so I had to Google it. These are pretty friggin' funny...



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Old 09-06-2013, 11:45 PM   #1099
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I got a good laugh from this one

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Old 09-07-2013, 07:16 AM   #1100
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Why wouldn't the mexican propose marriage to his girl friend at night?





He was afraid it would be too dark for her to si.
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Old 09-07-2013, 08:08 PM   #1101
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I went to a sperm bank to make a deposit
The lady asked me hows my sperm count?
I said I don't know
They don't have any fingers or toes
so I doubt they can get to twenty
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It ain't easy being cheesy:

Sometimes I make decisions like famous people.
George Armstrong Custer "lets go over that hill, I think those are friendly indians!"

Titanic's Captain Smith "What icebergs? Full speed ahead!"
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Old 09-09-2013, 09:28 AM   #1102
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You might be a redneck if you love your jeep more than your significant other
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:10 AM   #1103
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You might be a redneck if you love your jeep more than your significant other
Not true... I'm not a red neck...
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Old 09-09-2013, 11:18 AM   #1104
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Not true... I'm not a red neck...
Neither am i but i couldn't think of anything to say
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Old 09-09-2013, 02:41 PM   #1105
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What do you call a section of Gator fans?


A full set of teeth.
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Old 09-16-2013, 10:49 PM   #1106
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Not true... I'm not a red neck...
If you have to say you are not a redneck for driving a jeep, your a redneck in hiding.
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Old 09-21-2013, 12:07 AM   #1107
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What three animals have keys?
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Old 09-21-2013, 12:48 AM   #1108
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What three animals have keys?
Monkey Donkey ?
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Old 09-21-2013, 12:50 AM   #1109
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monkey donkey ?
turkey
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Old 09-21-2013, 01:17 AM   #1110
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turkey
Yep

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