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Old 09-21-2013, 05:10 AM   #1111
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I feel like my good jokes would get me banned or I'd offend people lol

Two muffins sitting in an oven, one muffin turns to the other muffin and says "boy is it hot in here" and the other muffin replies "holy sh!t a talking muffin"

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Old 09-21-2013, 04:10 PM   #1112
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They must have been getting pretty baked.

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Old 09-22-2013, 03:40 PM   #1113
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They must have been getting pretty baked.
That was funny!
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Old 09-23-2013, 04:55 PM   #1114
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One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:22 PM   #1115
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From the beginning of eternity
To the end of time and space
To the beginning of every end
And the end of every place.
What am I?
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:26 PM   #1116
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:28 PM   #1117
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E
You are fantastic!!
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:29 PM   #1118
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Haha! I'm not usually that quick, trust me!
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:39 PM   #1119
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What is the one thing that a trash service would take, but will not take despite how often you place it at the curb?
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Old 09-25-2013, 10:36 PM   #1120
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What is the one thing that a trash service would take, but will not take despite how often you place it at the curb?
The trash can
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Old 09-25-2013, 10:37 PM   #1121
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The trash can
Winner winner hot dog dinner! We're all out of chicken, sorry.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:40 PM   #1122
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Haha! I'm not usually that quick, trust me!
If you were a guy I'd make a joke out of that. LOL
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:55 AM   #1123
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If you were a guy I'd make a joke out of that. LOL
That's funny too!
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Old 10-15-2013, 01:02 PM   #1124
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he
didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more . . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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Old 10-15-2013, 05:50 PM   #1125
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Good ones
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:04 PM   #1126
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A mushroom walks into a bar and is immediately stopped by the bartender..."HEY.. WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND IN HERE"!! The mushroom says: Why Not? I am A FUN GUY....
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:13 PM   #1127
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A mushroom walks into a bar and is immediately stopped by the bartender..."HEY.. WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND IN HERE"!! The mushroom says: Why Not? I am A FUN GUY....
That made me lol
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:32 PM   #1128
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Old 11-25-2013, 09:41 PM   #1129
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Stan was feeling pretty down one day and pulled over on the bridge. As he was getting ready to jump a voice boomed from the sky. "Stan I will grant you one wish if you step away from the edge. I have great plans for you. You don't want to do this."

Stan steps down and says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid of flying. Could you build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could drive over and check out that beautiful island?"

God hesitates a second and says " Look, I'm not saying I can't do it. After all I am God. But think of all the engineering involved. The tons of concrete, steel etc! Surely there must be something else that you'd like! Again, I'm not saying it can't be done, but this is a massive undertaking that you are asking for!"

Stan replies, "Well, the whole reason I'm up here is that my girlfriend is leaving me, my wife divorced me a few years ago. I think my problem is really that I just can't figure out women. I can't seem to ever make them happy. I guess I would really like to know how women operate."

There's a long moment of silence...
"Ah, getting back to that bridge. You want two lanes or three?"
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:11 AM   #1130
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With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before.

I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
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Old 11-26-2013, 07:55 AM   #1131
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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Old 11-26-2013, 08:05 AM   #1132
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

A good one that you don't even need to read the whole thing!!!
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:27 PM   #1133
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The phone rings and the wife answers.....

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
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Old 11-26-2013, 11:33 PM   #1134
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:53 PM   #1135
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A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river. He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing. If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken. If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn. How does the man do it?
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:14 PM   #1136
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A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river. He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing. If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken. If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn. How does the man do it?
take the chicken and leave the corn and fox. Leave the chicken on the other side. Get the fox and take the chicken back with him. Leave the chicken on one side and take the corn with him. Leave the fox and corn on one side. Go back to original side for the chicken.
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:18 PM   #1137
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take the chicken and leave the corn and fox. Leave the chicken on the other side. Get the fox and take the chicken back with him. Leave the chicken on one side and take the corn with him. Leave the fox and corn on one side. Go back to original side for the chicken.
You got it!!!

1) man carries chicken to other side
2) man returns alone and takes fox to other side
3) man leaves fox but returns with chicken
4) man leaves chicken and carries corn to other side
5) man leaves corn with fox and returns alone
6) man gets chicken and takes it to other side
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:18 PM   #1138
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take the chicken and leave the corn and fox. Leave the chicken on the other side. Get the fox and take the chicken back with him. Leave the chicken on one side and take the corn with him. Leave the fox and corn on one side. Go back to original side for the chicken.
Ok I feel stupid now, I just spent way too much time thinking about that and not arriving at an answer.
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:28 PM   #1139
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Yeah that's a riddle not a joke! I just want a quick laugh, you're making my brain hurt!
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:48 PM   #1140
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Yeah that's a riddle not a joke! I just want a quick laugh, you're making my brain hurt!
Well your brain hurt made me laugh. See how well this worked out.

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