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Old 03-28-2007, 10:12 PM   #91
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dare2BSquare View Post
Where is it???????????????????
Where's what?

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Old 03-29-2007, 06:38 AM   #92
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another pic for your pleasure
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

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ID:	1523  

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Old 03-29-2007, 09:12 AM   #93
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Quote:
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Where's what?
Sorry, the first time I looked at it the picture didn't load, and I didn't see a link.
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:30 AM   #94
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7 kinds of sex
Body: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
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Old 04-01-2007, 09:31 AM   #95
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7 kinds of sex
Body: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
AMEN!!! At this point in the game...I'm born again from all the religious sex! Heck...I'm practically a saint!
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Old 04-30-2007, 05:19 PM   #96
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Who's working anyway?

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:43 AM   #97
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A coworker sent this to me, enjoy.

In Prison you spend a majority of your time in a 10x10 cell; at work you spend a majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day paid in full; at work you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior; at work you get more work for good behavior.

In prison you can watch TV and play games; at work you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet; at work you have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat.

In prison they allow your family and friends to vist; at work you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required; at work you get to pay all your expenses to go to work and they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out; at work you spend most of you time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
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Old 05-23-2007, 09:07 PM   #98
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The Queen and the Prez

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a
warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London
where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white
horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands
of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is
atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs
over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of
State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen
can not control."

George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your
Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you
mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
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Old 06-02-2007, 07:46 PM   #99
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington, DC!!!

Any Questions???

NO? Didn't think So.





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Old 07-04-2007, 03:55 PM   #100
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Alice and Frank are Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank,'You know,
we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in
Mexico.' Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy
everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work. When they finished, there was such a
crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So
Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank
notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't
able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls
again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up --
she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, 'What happened? Was
the cord too long?'

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, 'No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was
the crowd...what the hell is a Piñata?'

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Old 07-04-2007, 04:05 PM   #101
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Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the driver over, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
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Old 07-04-2007, 04:48 PM   #102
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Iv got a video joke




~Lev
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Old 07-06-2007, 06:56 PM   #103
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A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss, the farm manager: 'Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out'. The manager says, 'OK there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him'. Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. 'I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on.' 'Now what's the problem?' raged the manager.. 'Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under The right front wheel.

You still there Boss?'
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Old 07-06-2007, 11:31 PM   #104
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you guys want to hear a joke?


































women's rights?
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Old 07-07-2007, 10:17 AM   #105
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ooooooooh, I wouldn't go there!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-07-2007, 10:55 AM   #106
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haha i dont really meant it!
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Old 07-07-2007, 01:08 PM   #107
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haha i dont really meant it!
I know you have a straight face when you say that with sincerity



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Old 07-07-2007, 04:22 PM   #108
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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ..... so we're just waiting.

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Old 07-07-2007, 05:09 PM   #109
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:29 PM   #110
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Patrick, Chris, and Dave are having a discussion, talking about what they would like people to say at their own respective funeral.

Patrick says, " When I die, I want people to talk about what a good man he was. I want people to talk about how devoted he was to the church and Lord, and what good deeds he did in the name of the Lord."

Chris says, " When I die, I want people to say what a good man I was. How I helped spread the good news and, what a good family he raised."

















David says, "When I die, I want people to say 'Look, he's still moving!' "
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Old 07-07-2007, 08:48 PM   #111
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My grandmother is just like yours.........she puts her bra on one leg at a time!!
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Old 07-08-2007, 07:54 PM   #112
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> > subect: Snicker
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>A foursome is waiting on the men's tee
> >>>> while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.
> >>>>
> >>>> The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready
> >>>> to hit the ball.
> >>>> She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then hacks it
> >>>> maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.
> >>>>
> >>>> She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically,
> >>>> "I guess all those f---ing lessons
> >>>> I took this winter didn't help."
> >>>>
> >>>> One of the men immediately replies,
> >>>> "Well, there you have it lady.
> >>>> You should have taken golf lessons instead."
> >>>
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:23 PM   #113
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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?________________
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:24 PM   #114
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the correct answer of course, is the flat one, but that wasnt part of the joke
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Old 07-09-2007, 07:44 PM   #115
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Subject: She bought new windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had never paid for
them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his
fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just
ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed
about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't
underestimate a blonde anymore.
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:30 PM   #116
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Golf


In my hand I hold a ball.... white and dimpled, rather small....

Oh , how bland it does appear.... this harmless looking little sphere....
By its size I could not guess.... the awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell beneath its spell.... I've wandered through the fires of hell....

My life has not been quite the same.... Since I chose to play this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hours on end... A fortune it has made me spend....


It has made me swear and yell and cry.... I hate myself and want to die....It promises a thing called par....
If I can hit straight and far....

To master such a tiny ball.... should not be very hard at all ...

But my desires the ball refuses.... and does exactly like it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies.... and even disappears before my eyes....

Often it will take a whim.... to hit a tree or take a swim...

With miles of grass on which to land.... it finds a tiny patch of sand....

Then has me offering up my soul.... if only it would find the hole....

It's made me whimper like a pup.... and swear that I will give it up....

And take a drink to ease my sorrow.... but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:16 PM   #117
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Old 07-22-2007, 04:57 PM   #118
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An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92
today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every Sunday afternoon during summer. The times we waltzed on the dance floor?
Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little bugger,



if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
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Old 07-22-2007, 05:22 PM   #119
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Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10. "Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
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Old 07-22-2007, 06:31 PM   #120
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A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle an have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That Word is:

STERNUM!"

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99 XJ Sport
4.0l
AW4
NP231
d30/C8.25
3" Skyjacker lift
31 x 10.50 General Grabbers


http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h2...are/TMLogo.gif Are all fishermen liars, or do only liars fish?
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