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Old 01-07-2014, 11:58 AM   #1171
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The biggest joke that I can think of is the following:

The President, Senator's, and Representatives............

^^^NOPE, not the above, they are not the joke, but we are for electing them..............

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Old 01-17-2014, 11:31 AM   #1172
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded, 'I found the remote.'

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Old 01-18-2014, 07:19 AM   #1173
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^^^ lol, that was great! ^^^
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Old 01-18-2014, 07:34 AM   #1174
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THE BEAR HUNTER

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuzzy bunny (language) get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?''
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Old 01-31-2014, 03:00 PM   #1175
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Walmart Greeters

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Lonerider replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said Lonerider. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already $h!t my pants.'

Lonerider is now the new greeter at the Walmart !
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Old 01-31-2014, 03:11 PM   #1176
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At the end of their first date, the young man walks the pretty girl to the door. He decides to try for that important first kiss. He leans his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "How about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you crazy? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh, come on there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way, it's too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Sure you can. Please, just one little kiss."

"NO, no. I just can't."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
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Old 01-31-2014, 03:15 PM   #1177
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^^^^ I've heard that one before, but it wasn't a kiss he wanted... This one must be the PG version? LOL...

John
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Old 01-31-2014, 08:57 PM   #1178
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One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name? "It's Jack, and I'm okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on." Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive...I was weak. "Well, okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....
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Old 01-31-2014, 09:03 PM   #1179
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So this guy walks into a car dealership and wants to buy a Hummer so he can go "off-road"....
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Old 01-31-2014, 11:17 PM   #1180
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You've heard the story of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, right? Everyone knows that story. But have you ever heard about what happened after those fateful events? It's an interesting story, a story I like to call The Bell Ringer of Notre Dame.
After Claude Frollo met his untimely end, he was replaced as Archdeacon by a much nicer fellow name Pierre Jacques. Jacques first duty as the new Archdeacon was to hire a new bellringer to replace the late Quasimodo (this is a sequel to the novel by Victor Hugo, where everyone dies tragically, not the Disney version). He put out announcements that he would be making his selection come Monday morning.
On that Monday, about 500 men showed up hoping to get the job, as money were scarce in Paris and people were desperate for work. One by one, Jacques lead the men down the long cathedral hall, and up the stairs, and across the narrow passages at the peak of the cathedral to the belltower. One by one, each man took the ropes in his hand and rang the bells as loudly as he could, and one by one each man failed to produce a clear and pleasant ring that would be pleasing to God.
So Jacques went up and down the stairs, up and down the stairs. After 25 interviews he was beginning to grow weary from all the walking, and he resolved to test one last applicant. He looked out over the assembled men, their desperate and hungry faces, each of them holding up a hand, begging to be picked. One man did not hold up his hands, and Jacques realized that it was because the man had no arms at all.
"You there," Jacques cried. "Are you here for the bell ringer job?"
"Yes, sir!" the armless man replied.
"But you have no arms!" Jacques protested. "How will you grab the rope?"
"Please, sir," the man pleaded. "All my life I have heard the bells of Notre Dame ring, and all my life I have prayed to Almight God. I have said God, please, though you have taken my arms, I have remained faithful. Please God, I ask only one thing. Please, please, make me a bell ringer at Notre Dame. I beg you Archdeacon, give me a chance to prove myself."
Touched by the man's fervor and passion, and knowing that Quasimodo had been terribly deformed yet still rang the bells most pleasingly, Jacques relented and gave the man his opportunity.
Together they walked down the long hall of the cathedral, and up the stairs, and across the narrow hall along the peaked roofs to the belltower. Jacques pointed to the rope.
"You see," he said. "To ring the bell you must grab the rope. But you cannot grab the rope!"
"Just you watch," said the armless man, backing up. He ran straight towards the giant iron bell and leapt into the air, smashing his face against the bell. It rang weakly.
The armless man staggered back, blood spurting from his nose, his teeth shattered, his cheek broken. Jacques gasped in horror at the man's condition.
"Dear god!" he screamed. "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can't do that. Oh God, please, never do that again."
"No, wait, I can do better," the man insisted. He backed up again.
"No," Jacques cried. "It'll never be loud enough. This is madness! You must not do this!"
"Just let me back up," the man insisted and kept backing up.
Jacques cried out a warning, but it was too late and the armless man tumbled out the narrow bell tower window and fell. All the way to the courtyard below he fell, his body breaking against the hard cobblestone below.
"Merciful God, no!" screamed Jacques, running down the narrow hall, bounding down the stairs, and dashing across the cathedral hall.
Outside a few dozen men still lingered, but thoughts of work were far from their minds; faces stricken and pale at the horrorific sight of the twisted and mangled body of the armless man. They looked to the Archdeacon, who could only stare back at them in mute horror.
"Who was he?" one of them asked.
"I don't know," Jacques answered. "But his face his face rings a bell."
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Old 02-01-2014, 12:27 AM   #1181
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Why does the New Polish Navy have glass bottom boats?



So they can see the Old Polish Navy
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Old 02-01-2014, 02:08 AM   #1182
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An old guy and his wife had lunch at a restaurant while traveling. After a great meal, they were about 75 miles down the road and the wife noticed that she left her glasses behind at the restaurant. So they turned around and while heading back, the Old Codger just kept verbally abusing his wife for being so forgetful. So they finally got back to the restaurant. The Old Codgers wife said thank godness that we are here, so I don't have to hear any more of your bitching. As she was leaving their vehicle heading toward the restaurant, the Old Codger shouted out to his wife, WHILE YOU ARE IN THERE, GET MY CAP AND OUR CREDIT CARD TOO.........
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Old 02-01-2014, 05:37 AM   #1183
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Heard about the 2 a$$holes that were married 50 years.

They renewed their bowels.
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Old 02-03-2014, 12:32 PM   #1184
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I was visiting my daughter the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"Dad, this is the 21st century," she said in a cocky tone, "We don't waste money on newspapers"...."Here, you can use my iPad."


I can tell you this.....that damn fly never knew what hit it...
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Old 02-08-2014, 08:45 AM   #1185
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Why does everyone love a mushroom.....?
Because he's a fungui
Classic!
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Old 02-22-2014, 09:36 AM   #1186
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect!!! I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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Old 02-22-2014, 08:53 PM   #1187
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TOUCHING STORY

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

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Old 02-22-2014, 09:00 PM   #1188
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An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
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Old 02-22-2014, 11:11 PM   #1189
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An elderly lady was pulled over by the police for speeding. The officer asked to see her driver's license and registration. As she was getting it from her bag, the officer noticed she had a rather large pistol in her bag. He politely commented on how large her gun was and asked what kind it was. She replied "young man that is S&W 44 Magnum. He then asked "have you any other guns in your possession?" She replied "yes sir, there is a .357 Magnum in the console." Somewhat shocked, he further asked "Have you got any other weapons?" She replied " yes sir, there is a 9mm in the glove box." The officer commented "dang lady, what are you afraid of?" She replied "not a damn thing, officer, not a damn thing"
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Old 02-28-2014, 12:57 AM   #1190
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:52 PM   #1191
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How do you describe sex while camping?


It's fu**ing intense (in tents)....
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Old 03-01-2014, 12:41 PM   #1192
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My 7 year old's current favorite:

Where do penguins keep their money?




In snowbanks.
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Old 03-01-2014, 01:05 PM   #1193
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gonz View Post
My 7 year old's current favorite: Where do penguins keep their money? In snowbanks.
Haha. Is it bad if it took me a few seconds to get...?
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Old 03-03-2014, 08:27 PM   #1194
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Did you hear the one about the boomerang?
....
....
....
....
Oh well it'll come back to me
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Old 03-12-2014, 01:11 PM   #1195
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Pro's and Con's of Fracking

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Old 03-19-2014, 07:12 PM   #1196
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:19 PM   #1197
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^ haha, like that one
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Old 03-21-2014, 08:52 AM   #1198
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X2 ^^^
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Old 04-07-2014, 01:19 PM   #1199
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The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.

After awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,


And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.


Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

*

*

*


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:08 PM   #1200
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Hahaha...funny ↑ ...now don't b gwttn any ideas fellas.

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