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Old 07-22-2007, 07:32 PM   #121
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jjseel View Post

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
Amen, brother.

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Old 07-24-2007, 08:01 PM   #122
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Loving husband......

Loving husband


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Old 07-24-2007, 08:05 PM   #123
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Soldiers in Iraq

Soldiers in Iraq


The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Old 07-24-2007, 08:26 PM   #124
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Alcohol, cigarettes, and sex

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following
results: The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead.
Third worm in sperm -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -- "What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
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Old 07-24-2007, 08:31 PM   #125
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Friendly old lady

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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Old 07-24-2007, 08:37 PM   #126
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Nagging wife

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
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Old 07-27-2007, 04:28 PM   #127
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How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
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Old 07-27-2007, 09:24 PM   #128
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Hilarious!
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Old 07-27-2007, 09:25 PM   #129
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what's the difference between a bmw and a porcipine? The porcipine has pricks on the outside.
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Old 07-29-2007, 10:22 AM   #130
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dang, did i kill it?
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Old 07-29-2007, 10:39 AM   #131
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dont worry, be happy
heres a good one, the song names are hilarious!

[yt]egCeIwjIuZM[/yt]
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Old 07-29-2007, 11:08 AM   #132
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ok, there was a midget, a squirrel, and a five iron....
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Old 07-29-2007, 11:26 AM   #133
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damn u u trying to kil this thread?
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Old 07-29-2007, 11:37 AM   #134
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seems like it
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Old 07-29-2007, 01:34 PM   #135
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someone ban him!!

u know what now im just gonna have to kil ur thread!
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Old 07-29-2007, 01:49 PM   #136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lambertdaman View Post
ok, there was a midget, a squirrel, and a five iron....
Have you been golfing with Tiny?
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Old 07-29-2007, 02:11 PM   #137
delicate %$^&*@ flower

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You're walking the line, man, walking the line.
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Old 07-29-2007, 02:14 PM   #138
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not yet
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Old 07-29-2007, 02:15 PM   #139
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just hit her in the head 4point, shes got one too many concussions already, give her another one and shell be down for the count, and she wont even remember why she was ove rhtere to kill you
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Old 07-29-2007, 08:15 PM   #140
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Quote:
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You're walking the line, man, walking the line.
All right I'll lay of the short jokes for a while.
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Old 07-29-2007, 08:22 PM   #141
delicate %$^&*@ flower

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Oh, I thought you called me a squirrel....
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Old 07-29-2007, 08:22 PM   #142
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well that definitly a tall order
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Old 07-30-2007, 03:54 PM   #143
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what an idiot!!


http://www.webejeepin.com/Files/AutoRepair.asf

hehe headlight fluid!
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Old 07-31-2007, 05:40 PM   #144
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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the

secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform

him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to

listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,

what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks

in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of

this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"
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Old 08-11-2007, 08:25 AM   #145
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Email I just got from my Uncle.

Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!



And finally .



9. Victoria
's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
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Old 08-13-2007, 04:15 PM   #146
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WORDS TO LIVE BY:



Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them
down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman
gain five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I
am so far behind, I will never die.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling."
Caution---- leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the moment of temptation.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm
doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop
laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're a cheese.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting
a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:10 PM   #147
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a. while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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Old 08-19-2007, 09:24 PM   #148
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DISCLAIMER: I have the utmost respect for our service men and women. I just thought this was funny.
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Old 08-19-2007, 09:37 PM   #149
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[yt]oxOxbJzxHEA[/yt]

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Old 08-19-2007, 10:22 PM   #150
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You finally did something funny Debruins!

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"If I were going to give people one clue as to how to achieve true happiness, it would be this: Find something you would die for, and live for that."
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