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Old 04-21-2010, 05:04 PM   #31
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I do have one question:

With views like that, what are you doing living in California?? Aren't those thoughts banned in that state?
He's gotta point there, you just committed a thought crime over there.

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Old 04-21-2010, 06:09 PM   #32
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Well, it's a good idea in theory, but it might be a little too greenie-hippie for your administration, Mr. President.
Oh hell NO!!! Each stack will spew out ginormous black smoke columns and each Inchipperator will have 12 stacks!

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Old 04-21-2010, 06:42 PM   #33
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You damned right!

No promises in my campaign just FACTS.

I WILL clear out the prisons... With a chipper shredder.
I WILL get criminals off the streets... With a chipper shredder.
I WILL take care of frivolous lawsuits... With a chipper shredder.
I WILL solve the "Immigration" problem... With a... You get the idea.


In the opening days of my reign... er, Presidency The following WILL happen:

No one inside the borders of the US will EVER have to press 1 for English again!

All people who funded my campaign will be remanded for "Chipping". If insider trading is illegal, then "Buying a Candidate" should be as well.

Any person who thinks they can influence to Government through the use of "Donations" and "Bribes" will also be chipped. Their wealth then distributed to the people of this great country.

All Asplundh and Davey Tree trucks will be remanded to the Government for "Official Use" and called "Mobile Enforcement Vehicles". Asplundh and Davey, since they provide a necessary service, will be provided with chain saws and flat bed trucks and will be mandated to take all trees and cuttings centralized processing plants for chipping. This will increase jobs for both companies and therefore create less unemployment.

The newly acquired trucks will then be marked as "Judicial Enforcement", "AIEA" (Anti-Immigration Enforcement Agency), "Department of Corrections" and "US Military".

Centralized "Chipping" Centers will be built on the sight of ALL regional Jails.

All Judicial Sentences will be carried out IMMEDIATELY! No more waiting 30 years on "Death Row".

Immediately following my oath of office, ALL borders of the US will be closed and closely monitored by satellites, ground forces and Long Bow Apache's and Naval Vessels. A "Shoot First" policy will also be enacted. The Military will be given free range to enact new "Border Policies" and this sea, ground and air campaign will be known as "Operation Border Force"

All men and women 18 to 35 will be required by law to serve at least two years in the Armed Forces. This will augment the "Border Force".

After the Judicial Enforcement Agency cleans the prisons with their chippers, the prisons will be turned into incinerators for the "chips" and some will be turned into factories for chipper shredder blade manufacturing. Outcome: less unemployment.

We're also gonna have a nation wide "Yard Sale" for all unneeded Ex-Government property. As I figure it, all we need is Arms and Chippers. Oh and maybe large, flying, kick a$$ robots to replace tanks and fighter planes.

All loans and markers WORLD WIDE will be called in. We've given the rest of the world way too much for way too long and it's time we get it back!

Breeding will be outlawed and all newborns not grandfathered in and their parents will be remanded for chipping.

ALL members of the media will be remanded for chipping PERIOD. After that, anyone who uses fear to influence readers and any other form of audience will be classified as a terrorist and promptly chipped.


Yeah... That aught to fix things. After about 30 years with these policies running full force - OR - what I like to call the "Great American Reboot" we can relax these policies and start over.

And now it's spelled "AUGHT" and if you don't think so, you're off to the chipper!


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Old 04-21-2010, 06:58 PM   #34
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Beings as how you live in California,do we address you as El Presidente'?The Dude?Holmes?
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:17 PM   #35
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People. Seriously. I live with this man, you don't want him in charge.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:19 PM   #36
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People. Seriously. I live with this man, you don't want him in charge.
at least he wants to improve this nation, not run it into the ground and leave the mess for my generation to clean up.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:30 PM   #37
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at least he wants to improve this nation, not run it into the ground and leave the mess for my generation to clean up.

You do realize, you eventually will be chipped.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:33 PM   #38
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You do realize, you eventually will be chipped.
yup, hell of a way to go dont ya think?
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:39 PM   #39
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We can call him "El Jefe". Being chipped is better than being socialized.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:39 PM   #40
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People. Seriously. I live with this man, you don't want him in charge.
You know. I'm offering you the title of "First Lady" and all the rights and privileges therein.

If you don't want to contribute the the campaign, I could appoint you, "Chipper Trough Cleaner". Or worse, you could be the cleanee. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:41 PM   #41
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You know. I'm offering you the title of "First Lady" and all the rights and privileges therein.

If you don't want to contribute the the campaign, I could appoint you, "Chipper Trough Cleaner". Or worse, you could be the cleanee. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Do you really want to mess with me? Seriously?
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:41 PM   #42
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With Cain in charge, the gingers would me murdered!
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:41 PM   #43
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We can call him "El Jefe". Being chipped is better than being socialized.
True, at least the pain is over quickly.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:44 PM   #44
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Beings as how you live in California,do we address you as El Presidente'?The Dude?Holmes?
Holmes works, but you gotta lean back a little and make a cool "gang" symbol with your hands as you address me.

Which raised an new point. It get's WAY to cold in DC. Therefore, the White House will be demolished. A new Presidential Palace will be erected here in wine country. Because, well... LA will be one large chipping facility.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:48 PM   #45
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:01 PM   #46
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LA will be one large chipping facility.
It's going to be challenging to come up with a slogan to get people to visit.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:11 PM   #47
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I have nothing better to do.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:12 PM   #48
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Holmes works, but you gotta lean back a little and make a cool "gang" symbol with your hands as you address me.

Which raised an new point. It get's WAY to cold in DC. Therefore, the White House will be demolished. A new Presidential Palace will be erected here in wine country. Because, well... LA will be one large chipping facility.
1st executive order would be for everyone to watch old Cheech and Chong movies to learn correct pronunciation of holmes and waz happennning.
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Old 04-21-2010, 10:25 PM   #49
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Cain,as your chipper in charge,may I have the pentagon?Put another bod in the chipper,cook me up some bacon and some beans.........As chipper commander in cheese,I will rename it the pentagram.All I need is a few bodies to make a circle.
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Old 04-21-2010, 10:29 PM   #50
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Might I interject?Sabbath bloody sabbath would be an awesome national anthem it would.
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Old 04-21-2010, 10:53 PM   #51
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How about a chipper / incinerator that generates power?
Soylent "green" was WAY ahead of it's time eh?

Better for the planet AND your pallet!
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:00 PM   #52
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Holmes works, but you gotta lean back a little and make a cool "gang" symbol with your hands as you address me.

Which raised an new point. It get's WAY to cold in DC. Therefore, the White House will be demolished. A new Presidential Palace will be erected here in wine country. Because, well... LA will be one large chipping facility.
All hail the new pres, aka holmes. Peace out!

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Old 04-21-2010, 11:18 PM   #53
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All hail the new pres, aka holmes. Peace out!

I have two ideas right now for a mega chipper shredder!
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Old 04-22-2010, 11:46 AM   #54
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In addition to all of the other outlined policies...

Anyone who holds a job and does just enough NOT to get fired will ALL be Chipped!

I absolutely HATE "Functionaries"!!! Chip them ALL!!!

If I ask you to do something, by damn, you do it! Don't give me 14 reasons why it's NOT your job or how you're not responsible for it.

And Larry... You've got it. I didn't announce it but the "Presidential Limo" will be a Wrangler!

And... That's "President Holmes" to you!
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Old 04-22-2010, 02:55 PM   #55
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WOOT! I already got the national vehicle.
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:10 PM   #56
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Why wait for an election? If you take over California, the rest of the country will follow.
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:28 PM   #57
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"Don't chipper me bro".
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Old 04-23-2010, 02:12 PM   #58
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The past few days have been a festival of Cain pointing at people and miming out chipping them and just saying 'chip'.
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Old 04-23-2010, 02:14 PM   #59
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The past few days have been a festival of Cain pointing at people and miming out chipping them and just saying 'chip'.
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Old 04-23-2010, 02:33 PM   #60
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The past few days have been a festival of Cain pointing at people and miming out chipping them and just saying 'chip'.
Like I tell my wife: Hey, you married him.

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