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Old 10-19-2013, 11:35 AM   #1
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Infidelity

So I spend a lot of time working/modifying my jeep...I am also in the military and that requires a lot of time.. My question is "Does anyone have any experience with knowing the signs if you wife is seeing someone else?" I only ask because she has been acting different lately and feels distant and cold when I am home. Just curious to what others have been through...

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Old 10-19-2013, 05:16 PM   #2
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I am on my 2nd marriage.My first wife was cheating with a mutual friend.My advice is trust your gut.If your questioning it,sad to say something prob up.
Always trust what your gut tells you,its usually right on.

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Old 10-19-2013, 05:23 PM   #3
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Usual signs:
Dressing up for "no reason" on a regular basis
Obvious hiding of things, especially the phone.

I hate to be THAT guy, but if you're so worried about it and think it is happening so much that you are willing to ask here for justification on your feelings, I would be snooping. That's just me, I snoop when there is something I want to know it's what I do well
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:27 PM   #4
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First off, so sorry that this is even a possibility

I think it's hard to pinpoint exact signs, but for me it was a combination of a bunch of little things with my ex, changes in his "normal" routine, that started to throw up red flags. He'd never leave his phone lying around, left the room if he got a call, started "working late" when he never had before, etc. None of these things by themselves were a red flag, but all together, definitely. At first I thought it was just me being paranoid, but 1jeeplvr is right, trust your gut; that "off" feeling is there for a reason.

Best of luck to you; I hope things work out the way you want them to. We're here for you.
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:27 PM   #5
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I am on my 2nd marriage.My first wife was cheating with a mutual friend.My advice is trust your gut.If your questioning it,sad to say something prob up. Always trust what your gut tells you,its usually right on.
This ^
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Usual signs: Dressing up for "no reason" on a regular basis Obvious hiding of things, especially the phone. I hate to be THAT guy, but if you're so worried about it and think it is happening so much that you are willing to ask here for justification on your feelings, I would be snooping. That's just me, I snoop when there is something I want to know it's what I do well
And this ^

Have you tried talking to her and directly asking her? I didn't say accusing her but just asking. She may not necessarily be cheating but she may be talking to someone that she might be interested in or some other infatuation. Sometimes women think the grass is greener because they see how some other friends husband acts and she wants you to be that way.

Could be a # of things but you have to talk about it to find out for sure.
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:32 PM   #6
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This ^ And this ^ Have you tried talking to her and directly asking her? I didn't say accusing her but just asking. She may not necessarily be cheating but she may be talking to someone that she might be interested in or some other infatuation. Sometimes women think the grass is greener because they see how some other friends husband acts and she wants you to be that way. Could be a # of things but you have to talk about it to find out for sure.
^this

Yeah, it could be harmless flirting or something of that nature because she feeling as though she is neglected (not saying she is or it's your fault or anything, simply saying that might be how she feels). I know I flirt in occasion when I need to feel a little better about myself, mean nothing by and I don't go deep into the flirting, I'll just make a remark or 2 just to see a nice response. My wife has even seen me do this flirting, so don't think I'm a cheater by any means, just sometimes it's nice to know someone outside of your normal life cares. Not saying it's always right or always innocent, but, for starters, you've gotta figure out what's going in. The cold shoulder is no beuno
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:47 PM   #7
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Watch her body language when she's answering too. If you have any friends that are 'gators, I would highly suggest consulting them. They can tell you a lot about body language and speech patterns indicative of untruthfulness.

Could be she bought you some awesome Jeep mod for Christmas and is having a hard time keeping it from you, seeing how much you love your Jeep and all :P

Mil here too. Understand the time commitment and the hardships on love life. Hoping for the Jeep mod !
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:02 PM   #8
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Just a thought here. Since you're in the military, any chance you could throw a hint to her about being re-stationed and seeing her reaction to it?
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:12 PM   #9
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It's sounds like you left her alone too much. Try to include her in your life and let her know you care.
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:53 PM   #10
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All I thank you for your input. She is a stay at home mom. After my first deployment she liked being a stay at home mother. When I try to ask her about anything in that direction she simply gets all defensive and says " yes with all my free time watching your kids I am seeing someone else..." here lately she seems to always be sick or not feel good when its bedtime. Anywho, I have done a lot of self thinking and of course fabricating things for my jeep. (And drinking beer while doing it) I am just going to turn a blind eye and really focus on my jeep and powerlifting. Oh and of course my zombie craziness....
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:56 PM   #11
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It's sounds like you left her alone too much. Try to include her in your life and let her know you care.
I hardly think soo...if I am at work I am at home. I never go to the bar, the game, have guys night out or anything along that line. so I don't know how I left her alone to long. when she wants some, I do whatever to get it for her.
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:59 PM   #12
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All I thank you for your input. She is a stay at home mom. After my first deployment she liked being a stay at home mother. When I try to ask her about anything in that direction she simply gets all defensive and says " yes with all my free time watching your kids I am seeing someone else..." here lately she seems to always be sick or not feel good when its bedtime. Anywho, I have done a lot of self thinking and of course fabricating things for my jeep. (And drinking beer while doing it) I am just going to turn a blind eye and really focus on my jeep and powerlifting. Oh and of course my zombie craziness....
As a former MP in the Army, I saw the effects of deploying units and the wives that were left behind. The last thing you want to do is tune it out and ignore the problem. It's not easy right now but keep trying and find out why she has a problem with the situation. It may be fixable, it may not...but try first.

Trust me...I'm going through it myself.
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Old 10-19-2013, 08:42 PM   #13
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Been there, lived that....... do you have a joint cell phone account?

Edit. Not from a military perspective
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Old 10-19-2013, 09:14 PM   #14
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All I thank you for your input. She is a stay at home mom. After my first deployment she liked being a stay at home mother. When I try to ask her about anything in that direction she simply gets all defensive and says " yes with all my free time watching your kids I am seeing someone else..." here lately she seems to always be sick or not feel good when its bedtime. Anywho, I have done a lot of self thinking and of course fabricating things for my jeep. (And drinking beer while doing it) I am just going to turn a blind eye and really focus on my jeep and powerlifting. Oh and of course my zombie craziness....
If the line free time watching YOUR kids is correct,this tells me she is harboring some kind of grudge. Shouldn't it be OUR kids. I think we are only hearing half of the story.
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:00 PM   #15
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If the line free time watching YOUR kids is correct,this tells me she is harboring some kind of grudge. Shouldn't it be OUR kids. I think we are only hearing half of the story.
Yes she is resentful of me and has told me so. Because I get out of the house. I tell her to just go and have some time out, but she says she feels guilty and is not sure if I can handle the kids. Which I can have done it multiple times. I personally feel that since everyone in her family has been divorced she feels she needs to follow suit.
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:01 PM   #16
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Guess I should state that by get out of the house, she means I go to work.. That's the only place I go. well that and army drill weekend.
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:30 PM   #17
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All I thank you for your input. She is a stay at home mom. After my first deployment she liked being a stay at home mother. When I try to ask her about anything in that direction she simply gets all defensive and says " yes with all my free time watching your kids I am seeing someone else..." here lately she seems to always be sick or not feel good when its bedtime. Anywho, I have done a lot of self thinking and of course fabricating things for my jeep. (And drinking beer while doing it) I am just going to turn a blind eye and really focus on my jeep and powerlifting. Oh and of course my zombie craziness....
hate to say it, the defensiveness makes me wonder
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:32 PM   #18
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Yes she is resentful of me and has told me so. Because I get out of the house. I tell her to just go and have some time out, but she says she feels guilty and is not sure if I can handle the kids. Which I can have done it multiple times. I personally feel that since everyone in her family has been divorced she feels she needs to follow suit.
i went through something similar and mine said the same thing....someone is in her ear...that's what happened to me...she is now married to my old boss who is double her age
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:20 AM   #19
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It has been my personal experience that by the time you ask this question, well... you don't ask if that was rain before you feel the drops, do ya?

IMO

The definsiveness and begrudged feelings are huge red flags. She seems to not feel she is your equal. If that be the case, she will find an equal if you don't take the time to make her know you are hers. Her feelings will not improve on their own. Nobody wants to be with someone who is not a true 'partner' - no offense or judgment intended, just a perception I believe she is seeing.

It may be because of simple issues (not enough time together, limited affection, no 'sweet nothings' anymore, etc) or she may just be done and gone, with her feet yet to catch up.

+1 on watch the phone. If it goes with her into the shower / bathroom / lives in her pocket 24/7 ... very bad sign.
+1 on changes in routine, or random fanciness.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:02 PM   #20
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i went through something similar and mine said the same thing....someone is in her ear...that's what happened to me...she is now married to my old boss who is double her age
It's sad but same thing happened here. And unfortunately I was once the "other" man but I didn't really know. When I found out in either case I popped smoke and broke contact (I was also Army for almost 10 years). Go with your gut. Remember, trust is difficult to get and easy to lose so if your gut is right will you ever be able to trust her again? I have an ol' lady now but my buddies (all veterans in my motorcycle club) are really the only people I trust. Good luck man.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:24 PM   #21
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My point from last night, if you have access to the cell account online it's very easy to put it in excel and figure out what's going on. I use it to see how much my son's mother communicates with him. If you happen to need excel help pm me.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:32 PM   #22
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I married my high school sweetheart at 18 and we went to college together. We both had jobs after school and were really too busy to enjoy the experience but I was wild in high school she was pretty mild. Our second year in school she had an affair with a friend of ours and after I punched him I left her and being Catholic at the time my mother got us back together. That lasted 3 months until I was gone on a hunting trip with her dad. A friend of mine called me and said she has had a visitor all weekend. When I returned home she was out and I packed my stuff and drove off. I sent her divorce papers in the mail and unless she wanted her very religious parents to meet her boyfriend in court she should sign them.

I wish you luck man but it does not sound good. We had no kids together, and that is what really complicates your situation. You might try getting some help so that smart remarks and comments like "your kids" don't win.
You need a referee.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:44 PM   #23
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So sad in todays era of communications where you can talk anywhere to anyone. The person living in your house with you cannot communicate.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:57 PM   #24
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All I thank you for your input. She is a stay at home mom. After my first deployment she liked being a stay at home mother. When I try to ask her about anything in that direction she simply gets all defensive and says " yes with all my free time watching your kids I am seeing someone else..." here lately she seems to always be sick or not feel good when its bedtime. Anywho, I have done a lot of self thinking and of course fabricating things for my jeep. (And drinking beer while doing it) I am just going to turn a blind eye and really focus on my jeep and powerlifting. Oh and of course my zombie craziness....
After this post I have new input:
You need to shift your priorities. Sounds like you may be a selfish family man. "Turning a blind eye" is just another way of saying "running away". First and foremost, focus on the kids first. Yes, before the Jeep and lifting. Your children will only be kids for a short time.
I have no idea how old you, your wife or kids are but it really sounds like immaturity is an issue.
You fell in love, married your wife and had children for a reason. Do all that you can to retain that.
I have one philosophy I try to live by, "have no regrets".
5 years from now don't breakdown to your children and say you're sorry for not being a bigger part in their lives or wish you showed your wife more affection before she left you. You can ALWAYS mod a Jeep or lift, you can't ALWAYS get a second chance at doing right by your family.

I wish you the best at keeping your family together and happy!
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:59 PM   #25
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In my opinion turning a blind eye is the worst thing you can do and won't turn out well in the long run. Cell phone bills are very revealing. Sudden withdrawal from the family, need for privacy (phone calls), exercising/getting back in shape when there's been little previous effort, random dressing up, etc. are all telling.

Whether infidelity or not, it seems there's an issue in your marriage. If you have any desire to work through the issues be very careful what you say and who you talk to about these issues. We all need someone to talk to when we're going through it, but if your friends or family know what's going on there will be problems if you and your spouse try to work things out later. I said too much when I was going through it, gave up my friends and family when we tried to work things out, now divorced with strained family relations and few friends. Good luck.
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Old 10-20-2013, 09:09 PM   #26
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After this post I have new input:
You need to shift your priorities. Sounds like you may be a selfish family man. "Turning a blind eye" is just another way of saying "running away". First and foremost, focus on the kids first. Yes, before the Jeep and lifting. Your children will only be kids for a short time.
I have no idea how old you, your wife or kids are but it really sounds like immaturity is an issue.
You fell in love, married your wife and had children for a reason. Do all that you can to retain that.
I have one philosophy I try to live by, "have no regrets".
5 years from now don't breakdown to your children and say you're sorry for not being a bigger part in their lives or wish you showed your wife more affection before she left you. You can ALWAYS mod a Jeep or lift, you can't ALWAYS get a second chance at doing right by your family.

I wish you the best at keeping your family together and happy!
IMO,good advice there.
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:15 PM   #27
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After this post I have new input: You need to shift your priorities. Sounds like you may be a selfish family man. "Turning a blind eye" is just another way of saying "running away". First and foremost, focus on the kids first. Yes, before the Jeep and lifting. Your children will only be kids for a short time. I have no idea how old you, your wife or kids are but it really sounds like immaturity is an issue. You fell in love, married your wife and had children for a reason. Do all that you can to retain that. I have one philosophy I try to live by, "have no regrets". 5 years from now don't breakdown to your children and say you're sorry for not being a bigger part in their lives or wish you showed your wife more affection before she left you. You can ALWAYS mod a Jeep or lift, you can't ALWAYS get a second chance at doing right by your family. I wish you the best at keeping your family together and happy!
Gotta be honest here, if you were deployed you're not immature, you see life differently. Yes, you should want to be a GREAT father to your kids but do it on your terms. I understand what it's like to get home from some shithole and have a need to do things for yourself. Most of the people on here are great people, but you know that they haven't "been there" and what works for them will probably not work for you. If you were overseas and shit didn't feel right, 9 out of 10 times it's because shit wasn't right. Do what you gotta do man and find some other vets to hang out with, believe me it makes everything easier. Good luck!
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:19 AM   #28
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After this post I have new input:
You need to shift your priorities. Sounds like you may be a selfish family man. "Turning a blind eye" is just another way of saying "running away". First and foremost, focus on the kids first. Yes, before the Jeep and lifting. Your children will only be kids for a short time.
I have no idea how old you, your wife or kids are but it really sounds like immaturity is an issue.
You fell in love, married your wife and had children for a reason. Do all that you can to retain that.
I have one philosophy I try to live by, "have no regrets".
5 years from now don't breakdown to your children and say you're sorry for not being a bigger part in their lives or wish you showed your wife more affection before she left you. You can ALWAYS mod a Jeep or lift, you can't ALWAYS get a second chance at doing right by your family.

I wish you the best at keeping your family together and happy!
WOW...Seeing as I always put the kids first. I said what I said as a way of using lifting and my jeep as a stress relief for what ever she may be doing. I always put the kids first. That's why I drive a 97 TJ with 198000 miles on it. I put them and the wife in a 2013 kia. As far as immature, married for 12 years and have three kids. I am talking about her and I NOT THE KIDS!!! regardless of where we are and what happens to us, the kids will not suffer or be used as pawns as so many like to do.. Our kids are our life, we will never neglect or misuse them. So please don't confuse this as an immature rant. I am trying to seek out others experience. As far as the cell phone goes, she is always on it or the home phone. I am not going to check her records. I feel that guilt will turn her in...I will be myself and she will feel guilty and eventually tell me. I have nothing but time.
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:48 AM   #29
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Remember there is a difference between being at the house and being home. You start off saying you are always working on your Jeep or at work and then it changes to always being home when not at work. Being secluded out in the garage, back yard, whatever is not the same as spending time with the wife and kids at home. Talk to your wife and good luck.
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Old 10-21-2013, 10:53 AM   #30
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If she's begrudging you 'getting out' and going to work, she needs her time 'to get out'.

Schedule a time to take the kids to Chucky Cheese, an amusement park, a movie and lunch, something. Just plan it. Then let her know you're taking the kids so she can have some time for herself to go do what she wants. Perhaps set up a pampering day for her where she can go to a spa, get hair done, nails, etc, or just hang out with her friends. Key here is to let her know that you recognize her need to be herself and not be a mom or your wife. Don't put the burden on her to make a day like that happen, but do it for her. I feel guilty sometimes when I do something nice for myself, but thoroughly enjoy it when my wife does something like that for me.

It may open the door for better communications between you two if you lay down the first branch like that...

She may very well be cheating; I don't know enough about your situation. My wife went through that phase too for a while, but then she went back to school, got her degree, and got her own job. So while the symptoms may indicate something bad, it may just be a case of her wanting to be herself, and not necessarily always be wife or mom 24x7.

For your sake, for her sake, and especially for the kids' sake, I hope whatever issues there are can be worked out for the best.

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