Iím passing a milestone here soon and spending a good deal of time looking back at the line of them stretching out behind me like a fence along a lonely road. Thinking about the things I miss. The things I donít.
I miss the days when my boys were small enough for me to carry, but I donít miss the over whelming feeling I got when I figured out I had to form two little savages into civilized people.
I miss when I still believed I could change the world, but I donít miss having no control over my own life.
I miss not being jaded, but I donít miss not understanding why people got jaded.
I miss my youth, but I donít miss being young.
I miss believing everything was black and white, that good is good and bad is bad. but I donít miss being blind to the greys of life.
I read a quote Unlimited posted a few weeks ago, from Actively Dyingís favorite author Ayn Rand. "Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death." It struck a cord very deep in me. Been a tough couple of years. Best years of my life. Nothing like adversity to let you know youíre still alive.
This may take awhile, but here goes..... I'm going to start with the things I don't miss because there are very few of them:
I don't miss the look in my children's eyes each time they learned how cruel the real world was and they lost a little more of their childhood innocence.
I don't miss the way my wife looked at me when she found out that I had lied to her.
I miss my Dad.
I miss the smell and taste of the ocean.
I miss the pull of the boat on my arm and the sound of my ski on the water when it is as smooth as glass and the sun has just coming up.
I miss racing my dirt bikes and the feeling of hitting a jump with six other riders and wondering if I'm going to survive the landing. I miss doing 100 mph across the desert and praying that I don't hit anything. I miss having a group of friends waking me up before dawn so we could ride to the top of a hill and watch the sun come up over the desert.
I miss the tingle in my fingers, the smell of gun powder, and the adrenalin rush I felt holstering my .45 after an exceptional IDPA run.
I miss the time when my children thought I could fix anything and they said I was their hero.
I miss the time when pain felt good because it meant I did something fun.
I miss the feeling that I was going to do something that mattered in this world.
I miss enjoying work.
I miss backpacking with my kids and the smell of the mountains after it rains.
I miss a lot of things, I pray that someday I'll be able to experience some of them again. But most of all, I miss my Dad.
And by the way tiny, Ayn Rand is my favorite author also. I have a copy of the Fountainhead for you to borrow. I think you'll like it, plus it's the larger type edition, you know, for your aging eyes.....