Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one and, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Location: Under a sheet of ice, you know, from Global Warming!
OMFG!!! I'm sorry to laugh at your obvious pain, but OMG, I haven't laughed so hard in, well, maybe ever!!! I'm sitting here wiping tears from my eyes I'm laughing so hard, and I almost pissed my pants! Not to say I've not done some things which, in retrospect, were less than inspired, but the description was awesome! Thanks for sharing!
On a side note i hunt my dogs and i used to use electronic collars.and i felt i needed to try it on my self so i did on the setting that emits justa little tap of shock.Then My OLDER brother who is in his twenties at this time says let me do it gimme it you know big bad older brother. SO i let him he puts it on six (highest setting) He asks what button do i press . So i told him the red one the other ones dont do the shock HEHEHE SO he put this thing in his hand and jam the red button in. To this day i have never quite heard the sounds he made(croos between cat and pissed off racoon) and boy did he flop on the floor It was by far the funniest thing ive seen and he will never live it down.
Its a JeeP thing ... I Dont Understand!
OMFG! thats so funny I didn't think anyone was that smart as to test it out on themselves. Due to working in the field I work in we have to get certified to carry tazers so we have to take the full 5 second ride...which seems like an hour. its kinda fun to see the new guys get shot though
Keepin the peace.
The difference between sport and combat is that in combat you bury the one who comes in second.