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Old 12-03-2007, 12:59 PM   #1
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one and, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

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Old 12-03-2007, 01:10 PM   #2
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OMFG!!! I'm sorry to laugh at your obvious pain, but OMG, I haven't laughed so hard in, well, maybe ever!!! I'm sitting here wiping tears from my eyes I'm laughing so hard, and I almost pissed my pants! Not to say I've not done some things which, in retrospect, were less than inspired, but the description was awesome! Thanks for sharing!


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Old 12-03-2007, 01:28 PM   #3
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LMFAO

OMG - I'm sorry you tested it on yourself, but you should have set up a video camera first!
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Old 12-03-2007, 01:31 PM   #4
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Hmm, seems I've read that story somewhere before. not as funny the second time around. =P
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Old 12-03-2007, 01:39 PM   #5
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Holly crap! Almost broke wind in the office from laughing.
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Old 12-03-2007, 01:39 PM   #6
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Old 12-03-2007, 01:53 PM   #7
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You make my Monday.......... thanks!!!
Hope you are ok!!!
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Old 12-03-2007, 02:27 PM   #8
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Good stuff...
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Old 12-03-2007, 02:48 PM   #9
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First off, I'd like to say thank you to the people who think I'm stupid enough to do this to myself, your confidence in me is inspiring. (I would have tested it on the cat!)

This story has been floating around the Interweb for years. Someone forwarded it to me in an e-mail this morning so I thought I'd share. I hope you enjoyed it.
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Old 12-03-2007, 02:52 PM   #10
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Aww come on, Unlimited, we all wanted to believe someone would do it..... having it be you is just much more entertaining.
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Old 12-03-2007, 02:54 PM   #11
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From Snoops.com: http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

Well tiny, if it makes you happier, you can delete these three posts and let everyone continue to think it was really me....
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Old 12-03-2007, 03:01 PM   #12
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Yea... I read it a year or so ago but so many went for it I didn't have the heart to say otherwise.

The best part about a joke are the ones who aren't in on it.
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Old 12-03-2007, 04:30 PM   #13
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Damn! That would have been awesome!

On a side note i hunt my dogs and i used to use electronic collars.and i felt i needed to try it on my self so i did on the setting that emits justa little tap of shock.Then My OLDER brother who is in his twenties at this time says let me do it gimme it you know big bad older brother. SO i let him he puts it on six (highest setting) He asks what button do i press . So i told him the red one the other ones dont do the shock HEHEHE SO he put this thing in his hand and jam the red button in. To this day i have never quite heard the sounds he made(croos between cat and pissed off racoon) and boy did he flop on the floor It was by far the funniest thing ive seen and he will never live it down.
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Old 12-03-2007, 10:09 PM   #14
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OMFG! thats so funny I didn't think anyone was that smart as to test it out on themselves. Due to working in the field I work in we have to get certified to carry tazers so we have to take the full 5 second ride...which seems like an hour. its kinda fun to see the new guys get shot though
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Old 12-03-2007, 10:18 PM   #15
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I don't care who you are, that there was funny!
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Old 12-03-2007, 10:36 PM   #16
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OMG... I think I just peed myself! Sorry to laugh...But man! WOW...
I got to get me one of those!
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:02 PM   #17
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Holy crap, fake or not that is some funny stuff. Also the dog shock collar is too damn funny. I am sitting here with tears running down my face from laughting so hard.
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Old 12-04-2007, 12:03 AM   #18
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LMAO. Back in high school my buddy's dad zapped me with a cattle prod. That hurt like hell not to mention I was in a full sprint trying to run away from him. So I hit the ground like a rock.
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Old 12-04-2007, 12:22 AM   #19
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LMAO. Back in high school my buddy's dad zapped me with a cattle prod. That hurt like hell not to mention I was in a full sprint trying to run away from him. So I hit the ground like a rock.
Ah, cattle prods and electric fences...memories...
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:47 AM   #20
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Seriously though, consider something like that or the Kimber LifeAct Guardian Angel for your loved ones.

My daughter works in a mall at a restaurant and I want her armed somehow.



Small enough to carry in your hand easily while walking and propels it out with a charge vs just pressure. Worth the peace of mind.

Here's the link:
http://www.life-act.com/guardianangel.php

I got mine from a police store, but you can also find them on eBay, gunbroker, and a few other places. I just happen to know the owner of a police supply store, so I got it there.

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