|Today 01:11 PM|
Pro's and Con's of Fracking
Fracking DE mov - YouTube
|03-03-2014 08:27 PM|
Did you hear the one about the boomerang?
Oh well it'll come back to me
|03-01-2014 01:05 PM|
|03-01-2014 12:41 PM|
My 7 year old's current favorite:
Where do penguins keep their money?
|02-28-2014 03:52 PM|
How do you describe sex while camping?
It's fu**ing intense (in tents)....
|02-28-2014 12:57 AM|
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.
|02-22-2014 11:11 PM|
|fastdawg||An elderly lady was pulled over by the police for speeding. The officer asked to see her driver's license and registration. As she was getting it from her bag, the officer noticed she had a rather large pistol in her bag. He politely commented on how large her gun was and asked what kind it was. She replied "young man that is S&W 44 Magnum. He then asked "have you any other guns in your possession?" She replied "yes sir, there is a .357 Magnum in the console." Somewhat shocked, he further asked "Have you got any other weapons?" She replied " yes sir, there is a 9mm in the glove box." The officer commented "dang lady, what are you afraid of?" She replied "not a damn thing, officer, not a damn thing"|
|02-22-2014 09:00 PM|
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
|02-22-2014 08:53 PM|
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
|02-22-2014 09:36 AM|
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect!!! I meant "wifi", not "wife".
|02-08-2014 08:45 AM|
Why does everyone love a mushroom.....?
Because he's a fungui
|02-03-2014 12:32 PM|
I was visiting my daughter the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"Dad, this is the 21st century," she said in a cocky tone, "We don't waste money on newspapers"...."Here, you can use my iPad."
I can tell you this.....that damn fly never knew what hit it...
|02-01-2014 05:37 AM|
Heard about the 2 a$$holes that were married 50 years.
They renewed their bowels.
|02-01-2014 02:08 AM|
|Old Dogger||An old guy and his wife had lunch at a restaurant while traveling. After a great meal, they were about 75 miles down the road and the wife noticed that she left her glasses behind at the restaurant. So they turned around and while heading back, the Old Codger just kept verbally abusing his wife for being so forgetful. So they finally got back to the restaurant. The Old Codgers wife said thank godness that we are here, so I don't have to hear any more of your bitching. As she was leaving their vehicle heading toward the restaurant, the Old Codger shouted out to his wife, WHILE YOU ARE IN THERE, GET MY CAP AND OUR CREDIT CARD TOO.........|
|02-01-2014 12:27 AM|
Why does the New Polish Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the Old Polish Navy
|01-31-2014 11:17 PM|
You've heard the story of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, right? Everyone knows that story. But have you ever heard about what happened after those fateful events? It's an interesting story, a story I like to call The Bell Ringer of Notre Dame.
After Claude Frollo met his untimely end, he was replaced as Archdeacon by a much nicer fellow name Pierre Jacques. Jacques first duty as the new Archdeacon was to hire a new bellringer to replace the late Quasimodo (this is a sequel to the novel by Victor Hugo, where everyone dies tragically, not the Disney version). He put out announcements that he would be making his selection come Monday morning.
On that Monday, about 500 men showed up hoping to get the job, as money were scarce in Paris and people were desperate for work. One by one, Jacques lead the men down the long cathedral hall, and up the stairs, and across the narrow passages at the peak of the cathedral to the belltower. One by one, each man took the ropes in his hand and rang the bells as loudly as he could, and one by one each man failed to produce a clear and pleasant ring that would be pleasing to God.
So Jacques went up and down the stairs, up and down the stairs. After 25 interviews he was beginning to grow weary from all the walking, and he resolved to test one last applicant. He looked out over the assembled men, their desperate and hungry faces, each of them holding up a hand, begging to be picked. One man did not hold up his hands, and Jacques realized that it was because the man had no arms at all.
"You there," Jacques cried. "Are you here for the bell ringer job?"
"Yes, sir!" the armless man replied.
"But you have no arms!" Jacques protested. "How will you grab the rope?"
"Please, sir," the man pleaded. "All my life I have heard the bells of Notre Dame ring, and all my life I have prayed to Almight God. I have said God, please, though you have taken my arms, I have remained faithful. Please God, I ask only one thing. Please, please, make me a bell ringer at Notre Dame. I beg you Archdeacon, give me a chance to prove myself."
Touched by the man's fervor and passion, and knowing that Quasimodo had been terribly deformed yet still rang the bells most pleasingly, Jacques relented and gave the man his opportunity.
Together they walked down the long hall of the cathedral, and up the stairs, and across the narrow hall along the peaked roofs to the belltower. Jacques pointed to the rope.
"You see," he said. "To ring the bell you must grab the rope. But you cannot grab the rope!"
"Just you watch," said the armless man, backing up. He ran straight towards the giant iron bell and leapt into the air, smashing his face against the bell. It rang weakly.
The armless man staggered back, blood spurting from his nose, his teeth shattered, his cheek broken. Jacques gasped in horror at the man's condition.
"Dear god!" he screamed. "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can't do that. Oh God, please, never do that again."
"No, wait, I can do better," the man insisted. He backed up again.
"No," Jacques cried. "It'll never be loud enough. This is madness! You must not do this!"
"Just let me back up," the man insisted and kept backing up.
Jacques cried out a warning, but it was too late and the armless man tumbled out the narrow bell tower window and fell. All the way to the courtyard below he fell, his body breaking against the hard cobblestone below.
"Merciful God, no!" screamed Jacques, running down the narrow hall, bounding down the stairs, and dashing across the cathedral hall.
Outside a few dozen men still lingered, but thoughts of work were far from their minds; faces stricken and pale at the horrorific sight of the twisted and mangled body of the armless man. They looked to the Archdeacon, who could only stare back at them in mute horror.
"Who was he?" one of them asked.
"I don't know," Jacques answered. "But his face his face rings a bell."
|01-31-2014 09:03 PM|
|Sinister6||So this guy walks into a car dealership and wants to buy a Hummer so he can go "off-road"....|
|01-31-2014 08:57 PM|
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name? "It's Jack, and I'm okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on." Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive...I was weak. "Well, okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said....
|01-31-2014 03:15 PM|
^^^^ I've heard that one before, but it wasn't a kiss he wanted... This one must be the PG version? LOL...
|01-31-2014 03:11 PM|
At the end of their first date, the young man walks the pretty girl to the door. He decides to try for that important first kiss. He leans his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "How about a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you crazy? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh, come on there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way, it's too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Sure you can. Please, just one little kiss."
"NO, no. I just can't."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
|01-31-2014 03:00 PM|
Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Lonerider replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Lonerider. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already $h!t my pants.'
Lonerider is now the new greeter at the Walmart !
|01-18-2014 07:34 AM|
THE BEAR HUNTER
A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.
Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.
The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''
Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.
Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuzzy bunny (language) get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?''
|01-18-2014 07:19 AM|
|bostiguy||^^^ lol, that was great! ^^^|
|01-17-2014 11:31 AM|
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded, 'I found the remote.'
|01-07-2014 11:58 AM|
The biggest joke that I can think of is the following:
The President, Senator's, and Representatives............
^^^NOPE, not the above, they are not the joke, but we are for electing them..............
|01-07-2014 11:47 AM|
NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural-township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”
|01-03-2014 05:25 PM|
|01-03-2014 05:25 PM|
|01-02-2014 11:50 PM|
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
|01-01-2014 12:56 AM|
|wat3rdog||Nice ^^^ even my wife got a good laugh.|
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