|07-02-2013 09:46 PM|
|1jeeplvr||Im on my 2nd marriage.Ive been married 8 yrs now.My wife is layed off currently but Ive always made more,a lot more than she has.We both have seperate bank accts but we also have a house acct which is needed with 2 houses.I dont mind I make a lot more than her at all.She gives in other ways such as house work,taking care of our 3 dogs & so on.Im a little old fashioned and dont mind paying more bills that her.Im just thankful I have her.|
|06-28-2013 10:18 PM|
|06-28-2013 10:15 PM|
To the OP, everybody needs to vent. Be careful who you vent to and what is said. If you talk to your family it affects the way they see your spouse. Same with friends and co-workers. They start treating your spouse differently, she'll notice and it's another log on the fire. If it goes too far you may have to avoid friends and family as a consequence. Best of luck to you.
|06-28-2013 02:13 PM|
|06-28-2013 12:43 PM|
|Lbear||A consistent point throughout here is the need to work at your marriage. True. But when I was very depressed and considering a divorce a friend asked "would you be happier alone?" I got divorced. You work at a marriage because in the long run it's worth the sacrifice and effort. When it isn't you do both of you a favor by moving on. There is no perfect marriage- it's a matter of degree. If the good outweighs the bad, treasure that and build on it. If the opposite is true, and you have not been able to change it, life is too short to spend it unhappy.|
|06-28-2013 11:11 AM|
|06-28-2013 09:56 AM|
If you feel we are all criticizing, perhaps there is something you feel is being directed towards you or your relationship, if you have one. I/We cannot help that.
The OP had come here seeking advice, and he got it, and probably a lot more. Based on his recent posts, it sounds like he worked through it. That's great to hear.
There are always people on forums that want to take a negative view of a post or a thread. I've seen it WAY too many times on a wide variety of forums. Life is way too short to go around negative all the time. Get out, drive the Jeep, get some dirt on it, and have some fun and smile.
|06-28-2013 08:26 AM|
a couple of things I've learned after 12 years of marriage - never keep score on things - whether it be household tasks, or money or whatever. Sometimes you got to just go with the flow and enjoy what you have. All the other crap really is water under the bridge. The only way things will be or feel even is to really not think about it. I work - my wife stays home with the kids. They wake up crying at night - she gets them. That's worth a ton to me. If I come home and need to straighten up a bit, no big deal. Takes me a couple of hours a week to do lawn work (could hire someone, but that's a couple out of the house of screaming kids). I get some wrench and seat time every once in a while - it's all good.
Biting your tongue if something is really eating can sometimes be destructive - sometimes it's best to constructively get things off your chest before it explodes into something else worse. I know that my wife (and probably most) is not a mind reader.
|06-28-2013 08:14 AM|
Second, It does put things in to perspective. I am not trying to "keep score" but rather feel that things are even. I'm not keeping tally on the regular, it just kinda happens when I get irritated over things, ya know? Thanks for the advice, man.
|06-27-2013 10:44 PM|
|jquinn83||I was in your camping group this last weekend and for what it worth it seemed like you guys were doing good together. Perfectly OK to vent, I did not do that enough on my way to screwing up my marriage. Which is why I won't offer any advice either. Good luck.|
|06-27-2013 06:28 PM|
|floridajpr||This thread makes me most happy that I am still single!|
|06-27-2013 04:06 PM|
|PeteQuad||Marriage is not a competition. Do what you can for the marriage and she will do what she can. The most important part is that you both stay happy. Do not get caught up in who does more. Someday you may sit around in diapers while she wipes you.|
|06-27-2013 04:04 PM|
And roundly criticized with little warrant.
|06-27-2013 04:01 PM|
|CoreyZ||I dunno bout you, but im perfect.... /sarcasm|
|06-27-2013 03:37 PM|
Perfect? Nowhere close.
Experience? Yes, quite a few of us have been down that road and have learned from our experiences. While they may or may not apply in his situation, he's been given perspectives that he may otherwise not have thought about.
|06-27-2013 01:14 PM|
Yes and faceless people on the internet should tell him how they live their perfect lives.
|06-27-2013 11:19 AM|
|06-27-2013 11:11 AM|
It really is the "little things" that tear apart relationships. Big things tend to blow up and you have no choice but to deal with them... but those darn little things chip away here... aw... no biggie, it's just a little thing. And another little chip here... aww nuts, oh well, it's just another little thing. And another chip here... dang it, why aren't they more careful with this, look at all the chips and dings! And before you know it, you have a pile of rubble.
|06-27-2013 09:17 AM|
I'm the new guy and was curious by this post. I read a bit of it and since I don't know anyone, I'm not going to say much...
...but it sounds like you're keeping score.
In my house, my wife is the bread-winner, BY FAR. What I mean by "far" is she literally makes AT LEAST eight times what I do. I've had some health issues for a long time which contribute to this, but she's stuck by me. I won't go into details, but the issues are severe enough it makes working full time very difficult. While I've had full time jobs in the past, I've caught a lot of flack from managers because I fail to disclose my health issues. I don't want their sympathy, and the odds are they wouldn't be sympathetic to the cause anyway. I've lost jobs because of it, been put on probation because of it, passed on promotions because of it, etc.
If I'm lucky, I may get 20 hours per week and I make $11/hr. My income last year was about $10,000. I probably made more than that 28 years ago when I was 11 years old and a paperboy.
I'm the "housewife," so to speak. Don't think for a minute that cleaning a house, doing the shopping, doing a laundry, and mowing the lawn aren't work, because they are. Whether I get paid for them or not, it is work, and damned hard work.
My wife and I are very fortunate to be in the financial position we're in. We don't spend frivolously but when we spend, we spend big. While I'm more of a "saver," she likes to spend. I kinda keep that in check and have to "remind" her that we need to save for that "rainy day." That's not to say I steal the credit cards and hide'em. She's the bread-winner, and TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, it is HER money. When she comes home with a bag full of shoes, I don't say a word about it. She earned that money and she has the right to buy things without consulting me about it first. As for me, I put gas in the Jeep. I don't spend.
In a marriage, everything is shared, and that includes your income. It's no longer your money. Be happy she's not a jerk. Unless you've really talked in depth about these issues, she's probably totally clueless and thinks everything's great in Wonderland. Instead of focusing on how much money you have for your Jeep build, focus on the life you share with your wife and how lucky you are to have someone who's a fantastic companion.
|06-27-2013 09:04 AM|
good subject man, been there... had to come around to reality and accept that our life is our life. Its not about duties, its about working as hard as we can to get shit done, keep our kids safe and our home someone live-able without letting it get out of hand to become a safety risk. When your both working, you have to understand there will be piles. Period. Work with them, help sort shit out and do what you can when you can. Hometime isn't for relaxing until the work is done. And its up to everyone to pitch in and yet we still never get cought up.
A lot folks don't know this about me but I'll share something w/you. I am ordained, non-demoniational. I help marry friends and aquantences who may not be able to get married in they're own churches because of man made rules like them already living together. Or, she is Catholic and he is Lutheran so the church won't marry them.
Here is a snippet of what I said last weekend when marry'ing my latest couple. Take this to heart, it means everything and if either of you forget this, your bound to split up.
The heart of marriage is the taking of another person in that person's entirety, with the good times and the bad times, the sad moments, the happy ones and the taking of that person as a friend and companion for life. It is not something that just happens, a good marriage is created. In a good marriage, the little things are the big things. Do not take one another for granted. Do things for one another, not with the attitude that it is a duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy and giving. Develop the capacity to forgive and forget. Do not look for perfection in your partner and work together to create an atmosphere in which each of you can grow.
I'm not a religious person, religion is a man made set of terms that don't always fit what we're supposed to do. All religion aside, think of the principals in what I bolded up there. And I suggest each of you look inside yourselves.
If you really want to solve the problem, and I'm not saying this harshly and typing cannot show my sympathy so don't take this as harsh. Take it as a soft toned suggestion; Each time you feel upset about something related to her, bite your frikin tongue, keep your mouth shut and think about something you can do to better yourself.
After 18 years of battles with my wife and the last 10 of us finally getting along like we should, I realized that is was it took for us.
|06-27-2013 08:37 AM|
Wow this thread blew up. Take it easy, it sounds like some people are taking this personally. I was just asking for a reality check and just wanted to vent, I got the check I needed and I talked to my wife and we got it squared away.
I appreciate everyones advice/opinions. Hey Chief, I'll take some of that popcorn now...
|06-26-2013 05:04 PM|
|06-26-2013 04:45 PM|
yeah I am an old crusty retired 1st sgt....ya think I am easy to live with......not!!!!
But, she loves me and has a good heart....so I can put up with a little disorganization.
Not to mention she never says no to a little ugh ugh
|06-26-2013 04:37 PM|
Now read it again.
In ten years, read it again.
|06-26-2013 03:12 PM|
Let me throw this at you for a slightly different perspective.
First marriage: Married at 21, high school girlfriend. She was alcoholic, diabetic, AND depressed. I was doing it all: work, chores, medical bills, counseling, etc. We fought all the time. That didn't work out.
Second marriage: I knew what I could and could not tolerate in a relationship. My new wife was in the same boat, and with 2 kids.
In this marriage, I supported us while she raised the kids and went to school. THOSE are fulltime jobs alone and I realized that. Whoever had the time took care of laundry, cleaning (kids responsible for their OWN cleaning and laundry though), cooking etc.
Marriage isn't about a tally sheet of who does what and how much. It's about partnering, sharing, compromising, and accommodating.
Before she got out of school, she got internships that paid well, so paying the bills got easier. YAY! She didn't offer, and I didn't ask. We just have a joint account for that stuff and bills come out of it. She went to work full time but quit after a while because she was diagnosed with MS and needed to deal with that. She's taking care of that aspect of things and taking care of herself. She spends a lot of time at the gym because exercises REALLY helps her symptoms stay away.
Do I resent that or see it as her being selfish? Not in the least. She's doing what SHE needs to do to take care of herself so she's here for us and the kids for a long time.
If you go into a marriage expecting it to be a balanced scale, you might be happy about 10% of the time. Some may see as my lifestyle as a sacrifice of my time, wants, and needs. But my biggest joy in life is having a wonderful family and a happy marriage. If that means that I unload the dishwasher and clean up after dinner or perhaps do laundry this week, then so be it. There are days I come home and the house is immaculate because she did the cleaning.
You may be married, but that doesn't give you control over how they live or what they do. That just isn't right, nor is it fair. Appreciate why you married her and just do what needs to be done. There have been many nights I wanted to go home and work on the Jeep or do some maintenance, but other things got in the way and my plans went out the window.
We always say, "Take care of the needs before the wants." I may want a belly up skid, but the needs of bills, home repairs, etc take priority and always will. Or my wife having a bad day from MS may keep me from going and playing golf because she needs me to help her with stuff. The intangible benefits of taking care of the needs make up for the loss of my plans.
Being a good husband and a good father is at the top of my list. Being a good golfer, having a great Jeep, or anything else is far down on that list.
|06-26-2013 09:58 AM|
Bunch of cavemen in here... but perhaps someone else who mentioned it was right, those that grew up with the "old" mentality of the men working and the women taking care of the house, have a bit of a push in that direction.
Me... amount of money earned (as I was trying to explain) does not = how much they contribute to home life. I would bet that if anyone in here worked 3 demanding jobs a day and made less than their wife did, would argue they worked harder for the money and didnt need to also clean/cook. Or is that statement wrong? Put that shoe on the other foot and explain it.
Making money <> working harder. Anyone contributing is equal, regardless of the amount. Now an argument could be made on who gets first dibs at spending a little on the side for things they want... being a breadwinner on that front does give a little more benefit.
Again... make yourself single and tell me you wouldnt be paying rent/mortgage, car payments, insurance, utilities, food etc as well as cook, clean, maintain... and then tell me that you would rather be that way than with a partner that shares (key word, shares) in those responsibilities as well as extends your financial freedom even in the slightest bit.
|06-25-2013 06:25 PM|
More popcorn anyone?
|06-25-2013 06:24 PM|
(Hijack on )
Some friends tell me I'm whipped all the time. I love my life that my wife is a part of. If that makes me whipped so be it. I usually just wink and smile and ask how long it's been? Shuts 'em right up!
For every bud that thinks i'm whipped, i have a friend that is envious of my family and what we have. It's all relative.
To the OP- sorry you asked ?
|06-25-2013 06:16 PM|
Men vs. women: How much time spent on kids, job, chores?
I guess the wife could have the attitude that jerk better pay my way, since he does nothing around the house.
Or they both could realize the other is dealing with a lot of stuff and work it out together. But I guess that means "whipped" in your terms, right?
|06-25-2013 06:11 PM|
It just doesn't make sense -- especially considering that when joint filing he's getting more per dollar worked without her working, so the difference is even less than it seems.
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