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Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 07:28 AM

VENTING: Married Life
 
I need to vent, my wife is currently working part time (35-40 hours a week) but is only making about $12/hour with no benefits. I work full time (40-50 hours a week) making about $35/hour with full benefits. She contributes $130 towards the household bills, I pay the rest ($2300).

I feel that she needs to make up this difference somehow, right? Whether it be cleaning, laundry, mowing, little uh uh (If ya know what I mean :whistling:), something. Currently the laundry isn't being done (At all), the house is a wreck and I'm about ready to move in to Rausch Creek's camping area.

Am I missing something? Should I just shrug it off and be happy that I have a wife that lets me do whatever I want? This is seriously getting to the point where I'm just pissed off as soon as I walk in to my front door, and don't want to even be at home.

/rant.

Senior Chief 06-25-2013 07:36 AM

:popcorn:

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 07:47 AM

Can I have some popcorn? Let's just sit back and watch this puppy burn.... lol

wmshay6 06-25-2013 07:57 AM

Wow dude- you sound pretty harsh. I'm just some random dude on the 'net, so take my thoughts for what they are- those of some random dude on the 'net. Not trying to start a flame war or pi$$ you off but here we go:

1) I like how you classify her job as "part time" when she works 35-40 a week. Granted that's not as many hours as you, but it's still at Full Time job.

2) I find it curious how you mention how much she makes- not really relevant I don't think. She's working and contributing to the household. $130 doesn't seem like much. Does she blow the rest or save it or what? If it's a problem you two need to discuss it as grown ups.

3) If you came at me with what I sense is the attitude you're coming at her with : "I'm just pissed off as soon as I walk in to my front door" and then you expect "a litlle uh uh", I'd tell you to go ahead and camp at RC and don't bother coming back.

4) Do you ever help with the cooking and cleaning? I generally find that when my wife is tired from dealing with our three kids and I take the initiative and make dinner, or change laundry, or get the kids moving on something- it's appreciated and "the little uh uh" as you say comes my way. When's the last time you cleared the table after dinner and let her sit with another glass of wine and put her feet up? I've personally found (with my ONE woman-but I think it's generally true) that women appreciate being thought about and it's those kinds of little things that go a LOOOONNNNNGGGGG way.

Don't get me wrong, my wife and I have VERY traditional roles for man and woman. She is a SAHM for my 3 kids. That is the most important job of all. Sometimes my house goes to hell too and I don't like it. But at the end of the day she is my wife and the mother of my kids and not my servant, housekeeper, or personal chef. (Although she generally fills those roles very well!!) And I need to occasionally check myself when I feel the same frustrations you are having. Cold beer and garage time helps me with this.

Maybe she resents your Jeep time the same way you seem to be resenting her right now. Have you tried talking to her about it? Something made you want to commit to this woman for life, take her out, sit her down, and TALK. Don't accuse or get defensive, just TALK! And be careful of the words you use. Don't use phrases like "you never" or "you don't". Women don't like to hear that any more than us dudes!

Again, not trying to be harsh on you. Just sharing what I've experienced and learned through 17 years of marriage. I had moments like you describe early on, but I've learned a lot along the way. And my marriage isn't perfect, but talking - a lot- sure helps smooth out the bumps.

good luck brother!

KC_Hawker 06-25-2013 08:01 AM

ok I am going to give an opinion that will not be popular but being on my 3rd marriage, and the first having these same issues, I have some experience in this area.

Learn to be happy with what you have,. Every marriage has it's issues - maybe your wife is going through a tough time right now or has other issues going on. Sounds like you are caught up too much in who does what. Marriage isn't 50-50. Its 100 -100 but since you can only control what you do, focus on what you want and do it - if you want a clean house, clean it. I have both paid most of the bills and been a "kept man" by a woman who made a lot. It sucks to feel like you "owe" someone because you don't make as much money as someone else. Would you like to lose all authority over your own life and be "owned" by your wife is say she hit the lottery?

If you have kids, expect to pay most of her living expenses while trying to take care of yourself as well. In most cases of divorce, men make out much worse than women.

Best advice I can give. Stop worrying about who does what. If your wife loves Jeeping, do it together. Go camping do something other than day to day stuff and try to find out again why you married her.

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 08:18 AM

No worries, brother, I need the check.

1) She is a full-time student during the winter and is now working part-time but keeps picking up hours during the week. I still don't see any more money to help towards bills. (I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it seems)

2) To be honest, it does matter (to me). To me, she isn't contributing at all. $130/mo isn't anything compared to what she brings home during the summer. I feel that she should do something around the house.

3)That came from her being home all day a few days ago and didn't do a single thing around the house (Don't get me wrong, everyone needs a day to relax) but I feel that I'm doing alot and she isn't. (Which is were the frustration comes from)

4) She puts her feet up with a glass of wine a few nights a week after work and I always tell her I love her and miss her. I do clean up during the week and throw some loads of laundry in when I get home.

Again, i'm not a jerk and I don't think that women must be in the house cleaning and tending to the kids.

Hawker -
I do think that everything should be split 50/50 but I really liked your explaination of 100/100, makes alot more sense to me and maybe I can pitch it to her that way.
We go out wheeling together, we went camping at RC last weekend and I cut my trip short so that she could go because she had to work on Sunday. I love her to death, but I fear that my idea of "Marriage" and equal chores/bills around the house will drive me nuts.

I appreciate the help man.

Timebomb1031 06-25-2013 08:21 AM

I like what Shay6 said and I agree. I am on my second marriage and I can see where your coming from and it's hard to speculate on a situation we hard know much about. I will say in my first marriage I was the primary bread winner and always felt like I was dragging my husband through life and resented the fact that he was more of a child then and equal which lead us to divorce. I remarried my best friend and have been very happy. We both work a lot and crazy hours but we see each other as equals with the same outlook on a lot of things. We both try hard to give 100% all the time. Sure we fall short here and there but that's when it important to talk about how your feeling about what's going on in your life. If you can't discuss it then you have no right to complain about being unhappy. I have learned to pick my battles and never to yell and say harsh things I don't mean to my husband. I love him and he deserves my respect. I am extremely lucky I married someone who shares my love of cars and building things so we can work on the jeep or around the house together and it's relaxing. Try to remember people tend to treat you how you treat them. Good luck with everything :)

CoreyZ 06-25-2013 08:27 AM

I just got done with my second marriage... and have usually always been in this situation. The way I see it though is two ways...

1)Neither one of you are responsible for a set of bills. You each spend your time working and you each contribute money into an account. That account pays the bills, regardless of where the funds came from. If your wife got some huge inheritance.... would she have the right to feel like it was all hers and that you should be working harder to contribute? I doubt it... so look at the money in the account as a result of both of you working and whatever is left over, is your fun money or savings. Neither of you deserve more work or less work depending on what you bring in. Some people work more hours than others, for less pay.. simply because they arent in the same industry, even if it means they work harder.

2) You being single, you'd be paying the bills anyways and also doing ALL of the cleaning and cooking. So be thankful you have someone to share the bills with AS WELL as the house work.

Now, this would all be a different story if she wasnt working at all or had the stance of the money she made would be hers to spend alone. That s(*& wouldnt cut it.


And to clarify, neither of my marriages failed because of money reasons. It was just not perfect and I didnt want to settle.

Timebomb1031 06-25-2013 08:30 AM

I forgot to ask... Dose she know how you feel about the 50/50 contributions financially and around the house? did you sit down and talk to her before the marriage about what you expected from her? In addition... Do you know what she expects from you? I'm not saying its right but sometimes when women feel like they are not being taken care of properly they start to let other things "slip" to prove a point like how do you like it when I treat you the way you treat me type thing. Do you there maybe a reason for her actions or has she always been the way she is now? Just a thought.

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 08:33 AM

Yeah, sorry I tried to provide as many details as I could without writing a book. But it is still my side of the story, not hers.

The other problem is that we are both young. I am 25 and she is 24, married with a house, two cars and a dog. We have been married for 2 years but we have been together for 7 years.

We have had these conversations but it seems like it gets better for a little bit then goes right back to the same old thing. I am going to try an have a talk with her about the 100/100 responsibility.

wmshay6 06-25-2013 08:35 AM

Well, as always, there are more details to every story. My advice wouldn't change. Start talking to her about what you're telling us. In a non-accusatory and calm manner of course :whistling: That's hard though as people (men and women) tend to get defensive when called to the carpet.

Early on, that was the pitfall in my marriage- we both got too defensive to hear what it was the other person was saying. We both had to realize we were stuck with one another and to take the other's words to heart without everything being so critical all the time.

I see it all the time with buddies of mine. I know more about what they're feeling with regards to their wives or girlfriends (and in one case a dude's boyfriend :eek:) than their significant other does. They come over to my place to shoot guns and drink beer and I hear a lot. My question is always the same- Have you told her all of this? Their answer is generally "no". Sometimes they just need to vent and that's cool. But it's unfair to your partner to not let them know what is going on and just expect the change to happen.

I'm in MD not far from you- the weather is beautiful. Here's one I've used before because sometimes I'm not too good at talking in person in the heat of the moment. Get her a card and some flowers. In the card write something about what she means to you and then tell her you're frustrated and want her help to make the relationship better. Then take her out on one of these beautiful MD evenings. Get some crabs or grab a burger or whatever. Then find a place to park, top down, good view, and talk through what's going on. Get out of the house and out of the routine to do it. That way the phone doesn't ring, the neighbor isn't mowing and causing a distraction, etc.

And if it gets you nowhere at least you can go up to Tabernacle rd and do the stream crossing 50 times!

Regardless man, our women and children are really the only lasting thing we have in this world and we have to fight for them. So good luck to ya!

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 08:41 AM

I really appreciate the advice from everyone. I really needed the reality check (which is why I posted here). Don't view me in a bad light, I'm not a bad guy, just trying to find a way to make it work/better.

wmshay6 06-25-2013 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crosseyed Cricket (Post 3897220)
The other problem is that we are both young. I am 25 and she is 24, married with a house, two cars and a dog. We have been married for 2 years but we have been together for 7 years.

We have had these conversations but it seems like it gets better for a little bit then goes right back to the same old thing. I am going to try an have a talk with her about the 100/100 responsibility.

I could have guessed. I was married at 22 (like you) and had my first kid at 25 (he goes to high school next year). My wife and I had issues very much like what you are describing. I was probably 30 or 32 until I got halfway decent at being a good husband. And it's as much about me being a good husband as about her being a good wife.

So, if you're committed to the long term, it can and will get better. Just keep working on it. You'll find those stretches of "things getting better" will get longer and longer.

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 09:17 AM

Yeah, I just called her and we talked about it. She agree'd that we both need to contribute more and she realized that she needs to pay more attention to her money and could buy some things for the house now that she has some more money that she is not in school for the summer.

Again, thanks for everyone's help.

DirtRoad 06-25-2013 09:26 AM

I agree with wmshay6 about getting out of the house to discuss household issues (cleaning). If you are standing there surrounded by undone chores, it is going to feed into the anger by being a tangible point of reference (you can point to it), instead of being a theoretical problem.

I also would see if you could hire a housekeeper to do a spring cleaning while you are out discussing this. Do all the laundry and put stuff away, but pay someone to come in a scrub the place from top to bottom. It'll probably cost less than $400, but it will give you both a clean slate (haha, a pun!) to start with after your talk.

There may be chores that she hates to do, but you don't mind, so you could do those. Likewise, there could be things you hate, but she can do for you. Also, be willing to toss in that load of laundry that needs to get done, even if it isn't your "job". In a healthy relationship, she'll notice that, and both make more of an effort to stay on top of things, and also return the "favor".

Secondly, write down a budget. Start by listing out ALL of the bills. Include gas money, food, and a weekly allowance (for lunches, parking, snacks while at work). Write down the day of the month each bill comes due. Then separate out the bills according to how often you are paid (you, not both of you). If you are paid every two weeks, divide the bills into two groups, first half of the month and second half of the month. Can you pay all of the bills on your salary? If so, then put anything left over into savings. If you are paid every two weeks, and assign each group of bills to each pay period, then about twice a year you will find that you are so far ahead on paying your bills that you will have an entire paycheck that is not devoted to bills. It's a nice little spending spree or extra padding to your savings.

Then you can agree on what to do with her paycheck. I suggest dividing it in 3 parts, one part to savings, one part to her, and one part to you. Then, you both can spend that money in any way you want. You can put it in a private savings account to pay for your own toys, or gifts for her (hint hint).

Finally, don't make intimacy an alternative to doing chores. That shouldn't be work, that should be fun. If you trade out doing the dishes for doing, uh, something else, then you are putting your adult time into the same category of "stuff that isn't fun to do". DANGER!!! Try asking her what time of day she most prefers to be with you. Maybe she likes early morning? Maybe she likes right after dinner, if she only didn't have to worry about those stupid dishes? The point is, if you know when she tends to want to play, and be available (and suggest it) then, you are more likely to get more attention.

KC_Hawker 06-25-2013 09:37 AM

Just too make sure you understand, the 100/100 was not directed at her, its for you alone. Like I said you can only control what you do, if you try to push her it may work for awhile but will fail in the end.

Is it a money issue? Or do you just feel like she isn't trying? The reason I ask is your initial comments are all $$$ related, then its well she doesn't clean either. Frustration in one area can lead to another and snowball if you don't control your own thoughts.

If its money, work out a budget. What works for us is to have our own accounts and a combined for combined bills. Our hard obligation ends as long as the money is in the combined, but we can and do help each other beyond that. Since your wife doesn't have a consistant salary, maybe you could agree on a minimum to the checking, a minimum to her then say split a % of any money over that. My brother and his wife do this with her tips.

My honest opinion neither one of you feel appreciated, and that can come from outside the home too, from places like friends or work.

I also hate to say this but many women I have known seem to have a "mid-life" crisis in late 20s early 30s where they question their life choices to that point. My current wife said she did it every 7 years, so when we hit dating/married for 7 years I am good for the rest of her life :-)

Melissas6570 06-25-2013 10:06 AM

I didnt get married until I was older. At the time my husband made a lot more than me. He never asked for a 50/50 split. That would be stupid and would not have been possiable. Now we are much older, and I make close to the same. It has never been looked at as his or mine, it has always been ours. The money goes into the pot and we pay the bills with it. After saving, what ever remains is good to go. We set a 1000 buck limit with out needing to ask. But its strange we still ask. He takes care of the outside of the house, and I do the inside. In the winter when not much happens outside we work together on the inside. If I need help with the inside he will pitch in with out being asked to do so. Its is a respect thing that we both have. I will help in the yard or flower beds as needed. I just wont use the weedeater. Its a thing that he understands. He hates to dust. So it works. You need to find what works for you and her. What would happen when she is finished with school and gets a great job? What if she makes more than you? Are you going to still want the 50/50 split? So will you get a second job to get to meet your end of the split? What would happen if she has a child and needs to stay home and take care if the baby? How will that offset the dynamics of the relationship? Hmmm I would suggest both of you doing some growing up and a lot of talking about what you like and what you want in your relationship. If you dont do this You should start looking for your second wife. It aint gonna work.
Good luck

Neral22 06-25-2013 10:34 AM

My wife and I get into it about finances as well as chores at times. My advice would be to set a budget for you both to follow. Maybe set a % for money of what goes into a pooled account for bills, and have separate accounts for yourselves to do with what you want. As for chores that is much more difficult. I would approach her with a list of chores that you plan to do daily/weekly etc. dont give her a list, that would be too controlling and probably not get you anywhere. Listening is also an important factor. Talk when neither of you are distracted, dont play on the phone etc during this (ive learned the hard way). Find out her least favorite chores and offer to do those chores. Show some interest in her best wishes and you show her you care. Good luck!

bc3_Jeep 06-25-2013 11:02 AM

Well..... got married at 20... she was 18...... been married 33 years. I think I have a dog in this hunt.

Early on, we had the "talk" about sharing household chores. I consented and we shared most everything for a time. THEN the clutch went out on the car. I looked her in the eye and said "it is your turn, I did it last time"....... THAT was the END of "sharing" the chores. I pitch in when needed since.

I have always worked and made "enough" to support us. I have always failed to see why people cannot live within "one income". As I read this, the OP makes upwards of $80-100K and is upset his wife who makes $20-25K does not "contribute" more. MY QUESTION..... why does she NEED to work at all?????

Tradition is FINE for some, not for others. If you THINK you NEED all this $$$$$ you are DOOMED from the start, might as well just start the divorce proceedings.

If your BUDGET (don't have one of these???? doomed), dictates you need all of these extra $$$$$, re-evaluate your STUFF and downsize accordingly.

Take it from an expert at COMPROMISE (33+years), your attitude will NOT get better until your OUTLOOK is less dismal.

WorkingMan 06-25-2013 11:23 AM

Let's see. Wife works. Wife lets you have a modified Jeep. Wife lets you go camping whenever you want. Wife doesn't come along. Man it doesn't get any sweater than that. Be thankful for all that you have.

She could be a drunk, not working, spending all your money. Complaining when you go 4x4'g. Have relatives that hassle you, and a dog that hates you.

She doesn't do housework? Hire a maid once a week.

You don't know how good you have it.

DirtRoad 06-25-2013 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorkingMan (Post 3897718)
Let's see. Wife works. Wife lets you have a modified Jeep. Wife lets you go camping whenever you want. Wife doesn't come along. Man it doesn't get any sweater than that. Be thankful for all that you have.

She could be a drunk, not working, spending all your money. Complaining when you go 4x4'g. Have relatives that hassle you, and a dog that hates you.

She doesn't do housework? Hire a maid once a week.

You don't know how good you have it.

He has a point...

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 11:44 AM

So many replies, lol.

The 50/50 split wasn't dedicated to one specific area, but more of a combined percentage of effort put towards the house/bills/etc.

I do make enough to support both of us, she wants to work which is great. For the next two years she is finishing up school after which she will double my salary. So believe me I am not trying to come off as she HAS to contribute the same amount of money that I do but she should contribute the same amount of effort towards the house (if that makes sense...).

Right now we have a split budget, she has hers and I have mine. To this point it works, but I feel that it is too separated. We are going to try a joint budget with one "pot" that all the money flows in to and see how that works. Money isn't an issue at this point and if she had to stop working for a child, we would be fine. But she would be contributing to the household by taking care of the child.

WorkingMan, believe me I love my wife and I love being with her. The things I am describing are the only things within our relationship that are frustrating me. She does go out wheeling, fishing, boating, shooting (Not hunting, thats me time lol). And I love it, I wish I could spend more time with her. But I feel that she is immature with finances (as am I, to an extent) and keeping up with chores. I just want things to be "fair" within the relationship and around the house.

WorkingMan 06-25-2013 12:15 PM

I've been maried 30 years come Sept. When we had young kids wife stayed home (for 15 years) until they were in school and then went back and finished her degree and now makes a touch more than me. Finances have always been the same. Everything goes into one account and we have joint access to it, joint credit cards and we each have a seperate credit card so she has her own credit rating. Lived paycheck to paycheck for a long time, no vacations, no trips. Now we travel a lot, kids are grown and moved out, so it gets better, a lot better.

Will complaining make it better? Not likely. Maybe a civil discussion but that involves give and take but you might find yourself agreeing to do way more housework. School counts as work, studying counts as work, grocery shopping counts as work. I would bet that almost everyone in a relationship thinks they are putting in more than their fare share. It also makes a big difference if you like your work, doing a job you hate for low wages requires more downtime or recovery time than doing a job you like. A frank and honest discussion is the best option but it has to be "I feel" not "You don't", positive discussion only, never use a negative.

"I would like you to do more housework." is way better than "You don't do enough housework."

I remember it was tough for a long while. House still needs cleaning and some day I will hire that maid. For now I don't complain, life is good and it could be a lot worse.

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 12:23 PM

See this is why WF is like family. Thanks again for everyone's help.

Oh, for those of you who I wheel with... This stays on the boards. lol

KC_Hawker 06-25-2013 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crosseyed Cricket (Post 3897794)
So many replies, lol.

But I feel that she is immature with finances (as am I, to an extent) and keeping up with chores. I just want things to be "fair" within the relationship and around the house.

Crosseyed Cricket, I am not trying to take over the thread or hit you hard so bear with me; you just remind me so much of myself at your age it's scary. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. BTW - I am from Edgewater MD - maybe it's an MD thing :whistling:

I quoted you because I had (and still struggle with) these same feelings. The problem is, you are only seeing fair through YOUR eyes. Its not just you, everyone does it. I bet your wife has a list of things she thinks is fair and that you are not living up to. If you ask my wife, she thinks how we have things split now is fair (maybe even more slanted towards me) and I feel like its fair (or maybe slanted for her). It can and does cause fights as this is a normal power struggle in marriage. I have been married 3 times, to 3 very different women and all 3 marriages have the same viewpoint. Everyone feels like they do more than they do and most believe they are a "victim" to a certain extent.


The best thing you can do for YOUR own happiness:

*****stop counting who does what in an effort to find fairness****

The old saying is you can be happy or you can be right. That's why people say marriage is 100/100. You need to not keep an account of what each of you do - it will only make you UNHAPPY and will not fix the issue.

I became religious while dating my current wife. No, I am not pushing religion on you but I will say that looking at marriage from a religious context allowed me to stop worrying about fair - it kept me with the idea of commitment. Again, I can only control me and my thoughts (not my wife or her actions), but religion has allowed me to accept things the way they are and to be happy where I am, even if it is not "fair" while still trying to improve. When I think things are unfair, I start to demand my wife do more, start fights because I am "used", or decide well I should be able to do this because she does that, it causes me to get upset and overall makes me unhappy even if it feels good to be right. Usually when these things happen, I remind myself I love my wife, it's my duty as her husband to care of her (as I promised in our vows) and this is just temporary. Lately, I am feeling better in a few minutes, nothing really has changed EXCEPT MY OUTLOOK on the situation but I am now happy. Then my wife usually surprises me with something like a hug or a kiss and I cant remember why I was mad in the first place. If you take the time to be more thankful for what you do have, your own outlook on your marriage will change. The alternative is to be like the guy who has a 2013 Fully loaded and tricked out Jeep that is paid off complaining he doesn't have the 2014 because it has new rims. We all know someone like that.

I don't recommend this for major issues, but if its minor financial stuff, or chores it really isn't a big deal. There are only 3 things I decided will cause me to end a marriage: cheating, violence or hurting my children. The rest is all easy.

sinbob 06-25-2013 12:55 PM

Quote: I do make enough to support both of us, she wants to work which is great. For the next two years she is finishing up school after which she will double my salary. So believe me I am not trying to come off as she HAS to contribute the same amount of money that I do but she should contribute the same amount of effort towards the house (if that makes sense...)

Well at least you are aware of what you have to look forward too:thumb:

It sounds like if it wasn't for the dirty house you would be very happy and the money thing also seems to be secondary....kinda throwing it in as an added dig so to speak.

Believe me I know where u are coming from. I am retired military and very organized. My current wife, who I love dearly, is probly the most unorganized person on the face of the earth and it drives me absolutely crazy, but she goes fishing with me, wheelin, camping etc etc.....so I have come to accept who she is and have given up trying to change her.

Do you know the serenity prayer it has really helped me a lot.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathways to peace.

Nobody is perfect....but if you have love....I have found....you have everything:dance:

just my .02cts

Crosseyed Cricket 06-25-2013 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KC_Hawker (Post 3897999)
Crosseyed Cricket, I am not trying to take over the thread or hit you hard so bear with me; you just remind me so much of myself at your age it's scary. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. BTW - I am from Edgewater MD - maybe it's an MD thing :whistling:

I quoted you because I had (and still struggle with) these same feelings. The problem is, you are only seeing fair through YOUR eyes. Its not just you, everyone does it. I bet your wife has a list of things she thinks is fair and that you are not living up to. If you ask my wife, she thinks how we have things split now is fair (maybe even more slanted towards me) and I feel like its fair (or maybe slanted for her). It can and does cause fights as this is a normal power struggle in marriage. I have been married 3 times, to 3 very different women and all 3 marriages have the same viewpoint. Everyone feels like they do more than they do and most believe they are a "victim" to a certain extent.


The best thing you can do for YOUR own happiness:

*****stop counting who does what in an effort to find fairness****

The old saying is you can be happy or you can be right. That's why people say marriage is 100/100. You need to not keep an account of what each of you do - it will only make you UNHAPPY and will not fix the issue.

I became religious while dating my current wife. No, I am not pushing religion on you but I will say that looking at marriage from a religious context allowed me to stop worrying about fair - it kept me with the idea of commitment. Again, I can only control me and my thoughts (not my wife or her actions), but religion has allowed me to accept things the way they are and to be happy where I am, even if it is not "fair" while still trying to improve. When I think things are unfair, I start to demand my wife do more, start fights because I am "used", or decide well I should be able to do this because she does that, it causes me to get upset and overall makes me unhappy even if it feels good to be right. Usually when these things happen, I remind myself I love my wife, it's my duty as her husband to care of her (as I promised in our vows) and this is just temporary. Lately, I am feeling better in a few minutes, nothing really has changed EXCEPT MY OUTLOOK on the situation but I am now happy. Then my wife usually surprises me with something like a hug or a kiss and I cant remember why I was mad in the first place. If you take the time to be more thankful for what you do have, your own outlook on your marriage will change. The alternative is to be like the guy who has a 2013 Fully loaded and tricked out Jeep that is paid off complaining he doesn't have the 2014 because it has new rims. We all know someone like that.

I don't recommend this for major issues, but if its minor financial stuff, or chores it really isn't a big deal. There are only 3 things I decided will cause me to end a marriage: cheating, violence or hurting my children. The rest is all easy.

Something in the water... lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by sinbob (Post 3898002)
Quote: I do make enough to support both of us, she wants to work which is great. For the next two years she is finishing up school after which she will double my salary. So believe me I am not trying to come off as she HAS to contribute the same amount of money that I do but she should contribute the same amount of effort towards the house (if that makes sense...)

Well at least you are aware of what you have to look forward too:thumb:

It sounds like if it wasn't for the dirty house you would be very happy and the money thing also seems to be secondary....kinda throwing it in as an added dig so to speak.

Believe me I know where u are coming from. I am retired military and very organized. My current wife, who I love dearly, is probly the most unorganized person on the face of the earth and it drives me absolutely crazy, but she goes fishing with me, wheelin, camping etc etc.....so I have come to accept who she is and have given up trying to change her.

Do you know the serenity prayer it has really helped me a lot.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathways to peace.

Nobody is perfect....but if you have love....I have found....you have everything:dance:

just my .02cts

Very well put, funny I was just talking to a close friend of mine and she pretty much said the same thing. That is where I am right now, I need to learn to accept who she is rather than try an change her. (I'm hard headed and stubborn, if you couldn't tell already...)

Thank you gentlemen.

Sorry for the short responses, I am just taking this all in.

Lyle K 06-25-2013 01:52 PM

I would change one statement in Melissas6570's reply. Don't go looking for another wife if you insist on 50/50, look for a room mate. Being married means looking out for her interests before your own. You take the initiative in that and pretty soon she'll be making your lunches for you to take along on your mudding trips.

Titaness 06-25-2013 01:59 PM

I think I make less than 5 % of what my husband makes . He's never been so crude to have mentioned it.

Start there. Base your issues on anything other than percentages because it will make you seem petty

When a woman feels priceless her worth is immeasurable. You will be a happy man.

Ps... As far as marriage goes its an ebb and flow ... How would you like to find yourself injured or unable to work not pulling your percentage ? There are times you will be giving your all and times she will. Times you are giving and she is giving . Cut each other some slack.

JKJeepit 06-25-2013 02:10 PM

Here's something to look at. Not sure if it was bought up or not

As far as the house being at the level of clean you are use to. How did both of you grow up? Did mom and dad do all the choirs and not have kids do any? Did mom and dad not have a clean house, at least to the level you want or are used to..
Been married 28 yrs and my wife is a clean freak. She came from a family alot more clean you could say then me... I learned to appreciate that... It took both of us years to figure out an equal ground. And it's not all her or all you... But you have to talk. Nothing gets resolved without that.
As for money. We have always put ours in one pot and both our wages have varied mean was more then hers then mean then hers. Etc. it about us not me or her.
Been lots of good advice on here. Go talk to her more and come up with an agreement a a place to start.. And you need a budget for the family... Give each person an allowance... Etc
Don't except it to be fixed over night.
Good luck.

Jeep on.


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