How about a joke thread? Keep em' clean
What is the difference between an Alabama cheerleader and trash? .....................
ans....trash gets taken out once a week!!!
why did university of tennesse pick orange as their color? they can work trash detail in it on friday, play football in it on saturday, and go deer hunting in it on sunday
yeah, i moved it :p
After 30 yrs of marriage, Hillary became suspcious of a locked chest in their bedroom so she decided to open it. Inside the chest, she found 3 ears of corn in one corner and $279 in the other. Puzzled by her find, she asked Bill what it was for! Bill explained to her that every time he cheated on her, he put a ear of corn in the chest. Hillary thought about it and told Bill that after 30 yrs, cheating on her just three times wasn't all that bad. Then she asked him what the $279 was for. He told her that everytime he got a bushel of corn, he sold it!! ;-0
Did you hear about that new Pirate movie? ....... its rated ARRRRHHH!!!!
I know- its a horrible joke... so bad I laugh every time!:D
Three Georgia football freshmen were taking an exam which they had to pass in order to play football the following season. The athletic director pleaded with the examiner to make it a fill in the blank test thinking this would make it easier for the players to pass.
The examiner agrees and begins the test:
Ole McDonald had a _____, the first player jumped up in his seat and yelled "farm!", the examiner said yes very good. Now spell it. The second player leaps up on his feet and says " EIEIO!!! "
how many womans rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
none. womans rights activists cant change anything.
The joke's going to be on you when the women on the forum see this joke.
Teacher was giving words to the class to make a sentence with. After several students completed sentences correctly, the teacher came up on the word auditorium. Now since lil Johnny was the class potty mouth, the teacher thought she would give this word to Lil Johnny. After all, how could he possibly use this word to make a dirty sentence.
So the teacher says, "Lil Johnny, give me a sentence using the word auditorium. Lil Johnny thinks and thinks and finally says, "I went out on a date with little Suzy last Saturday night. She had on some very tight blue jeans, couldn't pull em off, couldn't tear them off.............aud-a-tor-em
A man gets home, screeches his car into the
driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and
shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your
bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Oh, my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter", he says. "Just get the **** out."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Not exactly jokes, but humorous...
1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.) A day without sunshine is like . . Night.
3.) On the other hand..... you have different fingers
4.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6.) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7.) He who laughs last....... thinks slowest.
8.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9.) The early bird may get the worm..... but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
10.) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12.) Change is inevitable....... except from vending machines.
13.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14.) How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
15.) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16.) When everything is coming your way...... you're in the wrong lane.
17.) Hard work pays off in the future........ Laziness pays off now.
18.) Every one has a photographic memory...... Some just don't have film.
19.) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20.) Eagles may soar...... but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21.) What happens if you get scared half to death...... twice?
22.) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23.) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24.) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
25.) Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26.) Light travels faster than sound........ That's why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
27.) Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . . It's more like a jar
of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Speed of light
If your car travels at the speed of light, would your headlights do you any good?
Scout and Clifford were out for a night on the town. Scout starts tossing them back as he usually does when he realized he shouldn't have had that double of tequila. :BARRRF:!! All down his shirt.
Scout: "Oh no Clifford! What am I going to do? If my wife finds out I've been drinking again she will kill me!"
Clifford: "Just put 20 dollars in your shirt pocket. When your wife finds it tell her some dude threw up on you and gave you cash for the dry cleaning bill"
So Scout proceeds to top the night off. A couple days later Scouts wife pulls him into the laundry room with a nasty look on her face.
Scouts wife: "SCOUT! Were you out drinking again?? There is puke all over your shirt!"
Scout: "No honey! Some guy threw up on my shirt and gave me 20 dollars for the dry cleaning."
Scouts wife: "But there is 40 dollars here!"
Scout: "Yea! He crapped my pants too!"
I hate you. :D
Oh yeah, I almost forgot --> :flipoff: <---
A HOT female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk replies; "Tits."
It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were
spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress -- sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a
large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars,and
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest
with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises
that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show
a ittle more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
Then said, "Now, tell him you have a headache."
3 guys walk into a bar....the 4th one ducks
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action"
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself"
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, No sex since 1955 She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times."
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Superman decided he would like to go to the beach, so he called batman and said, "hey batman, lets cruise down to the beach and check out some chicks!"
Batman said, "No, can't go, to many criminals to catch."
Superman says ok and flys off.
Superman then finds spiderman and says, "hey spiderman, lets cruise down to the beach and check out some chicks!"
Spiderman says, "No, can't go, to many criminals to catch."
Superman says forget them and takes off to the beach alone. As he is flying over the beach, he looks down and sees wonderwoman lying naked on the beach. He zips down there, does his thing and takes off.
Wonderwoman says, "What the *#"* was that!!"
The invisableman says, "I don't know, but he like to tore my arse up!!"
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
-- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your TJ.
What's the height of conceit?
-- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
-- Jogging home from your own vasectomy
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
-- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The
other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
-- Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
-- You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
-- Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
-- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
-- Anyone can roast beef.
What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
-- The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
-- God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What does Michael Jackson and XBox have in common?
Both get turned on by 12 yr olds......
What does Michael Jackson like about 23 yr olds?
Theres 20 of them.........
boy squirrel to girl squirrel, come up to my tree and i'll show you my nuts!
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