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larphead 03-30-2007 08:40 PM

Automobile Tool Definitions
maybe a repost, maybe not

Automobile Tool Definitions
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive car parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops
or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works
great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor
of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to
the rear axle.

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage
cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look
in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy
lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the
PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:
See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding
six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would
throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones
poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you
have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the
front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of
ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car
battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips:
See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat

Phillips Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension
bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off

dj_chizzle 03-30-2007 08:45 PM

i know next to nothing about tools but this still made me keekle ::D

oneyedjeepguy 04-02-2007 10:22 PM

Oh Yeah!
You made me smile:) Life IS GOOD!:D

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